Beverly is 90 years old and has been playing golf every day since she retired 25 years ago. One afternoon, she comes home looking downcast. “That’s it,” she tells her husband. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight is so poor that once I hit the ball, I can’t even see where it goes.”

Her husband, Gus, makes her a comforting cup of tea and suggests, “Why don’t you take me with you and give it one more try?”

“That won’t help,” sighs Beverly. “You’re a hundred and three! You can’t be of any assistance!”

“I may be a hundred and three,” Gus replies, “but my eyesight is perfect.”

The next day, Beverly decides to take Gus to the golf course. She tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. Turning to her husband, she asks, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course!” Gus replies confidently. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Then where did it go?” Beverly inquires.

Gus thinks for a moment and says, “I don’t remember.”

Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living on a farm up in the hills. One day, Pa discovered that the hole under the outhouse was full. Unsure of what to do, he went inside and told Ma about his dilemma.

“Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road?” Ma suggested. “He must be smart; he’s a college gradjyate.”

So, Pa drove down to the neighbor’s house and asked, “Mr. College Gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know how to empty it.”

The young man replied, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite—one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Place them both under the outhouse and light them at the same time. The first one will shoot the outhouse into the air, and while it’s up, the second one will explode and spread the poop all over your farm, fertilizing the ground. The outhouse should come back down right on top of the now-empty hole.”

Thanking the neighbor, Pa drove to the hardware store and picked up two sticks of dynamite: one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He went home, set them up under the outhouse, lit them, and ran behind a tree for safety.

Suddenly, Ma came rushing out of the house and dashed into the outhouse just as the first stick of dynamite went off, launching it into the air. BOOM! The second stick detonated, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse came crashing back down right atop the hole.

Pa sprinted to the outhouse, flung open the door, and called out, “Ma, are you all right?”

As she pulled up her panties, she replied, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”

A wife was peacefully frying eggs for breakfast when her husband suddenly charged into the kitchen like a man on a mission.

“Careful! CAREFUL!” he yelled, eyes wide with panic. “Add more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many eggs at once! TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!”

The wife blinked in confusion as he continued his dramatic performance.

“We need more butter! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to stick! Careful, CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? And don’t forget the salt! You always forget the salt! Use the salt! THE SALT!”

His wife stopped, spatula mid-air, and stared at him. “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry eggs?”

Her husband, with a smirk, replied calmly, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

He is now recovering in a hospital.

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. The next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”