A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples’ alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, “Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.” His wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said, “That’s OK, Sweetheart” and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife then proceeded to take her putter out and knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, “Honey, that was a bogey five and that’s OK, but I think we can do better.” To which she replied, “Listen asshole, don’t bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car – NOW !”

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. 

No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable!

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry and told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, and it better be there!”

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.

“Life’s tough…..It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne

Did we elect these people??

Civil War planes? Let me know how that works out.

I’m saying GREAT paint job.

“We had no idea anyone was buried there.”

I didn’t know we could choose.

This one says it all.

What are the odds of that?

I would have guessed after age 19. 

“The difference between genius and stupidity is – genius has its limits.” ~Albert Einstein

DEAR NEIGHBOR:

Hi, Mike. This is Jim, next door. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. I haven’t been getting it at home recently. I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt & hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. – Jim

Mike, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Jim dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Jim.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Mike. Jim here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

A blonde city girl named Sue marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Sue, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow’s stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?”

The rancher leaves for the field, and after a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he says.

Sue takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Sue sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one right here.”

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, “Tell me lady, because I’m dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple”, she confidently explains, “by the nail that’s over its stall.”

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for?”

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

In church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs” who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and the Preacher prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing?”

Leroy answered, ” I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

Let it sink in and then laugh.