An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday….

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, we’re outta here!

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? “

“No,” the woman replied, “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. ‘How ’bout that! he exclaims, ‘Here’s a picture of my  Fadder.’ He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go here and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly bitch he’s running around with.’

I dialed a number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
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Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!”
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A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,” send me a brother.” Santa wrote back, “SEND ME YOUR MOTHER.”
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What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
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What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
* Stress is when wife is pregnant,
* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
* Panic is when both are pregnant.
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A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, “Are all these kids yours?”*
The man replies, “No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints.”
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A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?” Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential.”
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A blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
 
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  

”Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch,” she said.   
”How much will you charge me?” 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 
”How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.  

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 
”Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?” 

”That’s a bit patronizing, isn’t it?” he responded, 
“She can see that it does.”

The wife replied, 
”You’re right.  I guess I’m starting to believe all those blonde jokes.”

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  

”You’re finished already??” 
The startled husband asked.  

”Yes,” the blonde replied, 
”And I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.” 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

“Thank you,” the blonde said, 
”And, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” The man replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” She then hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

Adam ate the apple, too. Men will never learn…

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?   What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites hapFRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

FRANCIS:
You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

CATHERINE:
‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about….

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.