An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

“My dear, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he said.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”

“That’s wonderful. How much does he send you?” the priest asked. “He sends me $2,000 a week,” she replied proudly.

“Your son is very successful,” said the priest. “What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is a very honorable profession,” the priest assured her.

“Where does he practice?”

“Well, she replied, “he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans

A few days ago I was tooling along through a neighborhood on my wheelchair when I noticed a young boy sitting on the retaining wall in front of his house, crying as if his heart was breaking.

I pulled alongside the youngster and asked, “Son, what’s the matter? Why are you crying so?”

“I’m… cry… crying ’cause I can’t do what my 20-year-old brother does,” he said.

So I sat there and cried with him.

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand-new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to
business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”

The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens….look at what it did to me!”

The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike.”

The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon…..just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you.”

The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets the domain of the chicken coop. And if I’m so feeble, why not give me a little head start?”

The young rooster says, “Sure, why not, you know I’ll still beat you.”

They line up in the back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he shoots the young rooster dead. He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife …

“Son of a bitch … third gay rooster I bought this week!”

 

Twins in Australia – one lives in the city and one has a farm. Each week the two of them share in a Lotto ticket.After a few years, the twins (and only the twins) win first prize – $10 000 000. They share it evenly.The twin living in the city says he will retire from work, buy a new house and car, travel for six months and then just travel the country.The twin on the farm sighs and says, “Well, I guess I can stay on the farm for another ten years.”When I told this joke in the city, no-one laughed. In the country, everyone laughed!