Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper aconference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.  As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall. He was most embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just long enough to deliver his paper.

He ignored the thunderous applause and raced out the stage door, never to return to his home town again, until many years later, when his elderly mother was ill and he returned to visit her.

He reserved a hotel room under the name of Smith and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Smith?”

Dr. Goldberg replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away.”

“Haven’t you visited since?” asked the desk clerk.

“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”

Trying his best to console him, the desk clerk replied “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”

Dr. Goldberg replied, “Son, I doubt that’s the case with my incident.”

The clerk asked, “Was it a long time ago?”

Dr. Goldberg replied, “Yes, many years.”

The clerk asked, “Was it before or after the Goldberg Fart?”

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That’s about average up our way, folks… like I said my boy’s a typical County Clare baby boy.”

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, “Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody’s been making’ bets about how big he’d be in two weeks …. so how much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born.”

The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?” “Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you. “Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly. “No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

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A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?” Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”

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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?” The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?” The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.” The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” “Yes” says the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf club? “Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. “How many times did you hit him?” “I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.  As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?” The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?

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The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?” He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

Given the current climate in our country, this advice is more than timely.

How in the world do they get these photos!  The patience must be incredible.  The last one may well be the best.

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John’s and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment Office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, “Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and Thongs.”

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer…And finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, “Diesel fitter.” Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor.”

“What skill?” yelled Paddy. “I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: “Yep, diesel fitter!”

Technology is becoming more sophisticated. Today, no one will be surprised by 3D graphics, which is used in many areas, including architecture and design. We offer a selection of floors, floor coverings, and indeed 3D technology in action.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO.  It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.  He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.  The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, Sonny?”

“A Ferrari GTO.  It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man.  “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.  Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, alright, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.  Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be getting closer!  He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly–WHHHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSHHH!  Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.  He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.  Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!  Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHHHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSHHH

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again.  Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.  Not 10 seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again.  The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.  The doctor stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.  He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh!  Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “You could unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.”