Two elderly women were enjoying a late lunch and a drink at their favorite pub one afternoon. Ethel, glancing over at Mabel, noticed something unusual about her friend’s ear and said, “Mabel, you’ve got a suppository in your left ear!”

Mabel, surprised, pulled it out and examined it closely. “A suppository? Really?” 

She then paused, a look of realization dawning on her face. “Ethel, I’m so glad you found this! Now I know where my hearing aid has been hiding all this time.”

A young woman recently sent a hilarious tech support message about her “upgrade” from boyfriend to husband, fully expecting a joke. But when she got the reply, it was too good not to share. The love advice from tech support? Absolute genius!

The Query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a major system slowdown—especially in the flower and jewelry apps, which ran flawlessly on Boyfriend 5.0.

Worse still, Husband 1.0 uninstalled key programs like Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and replaced them with NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 barely functions anymore, and House Cleaning 2.6 crashes the whole system.

I tried running Nagging 5.3 to troubleshoot, but no luck. Please help!

Signed: Desperate

The Response (that arrived weeks later, out of nowhere):

Dear Desperate,

First, please understand that Boyfriend 5.0 was an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Big difference.

Try entering the command: IThoughtYouLovedMe.html and download Tears 6.2. Don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If executed properly, Husband 1.0 should automatically run Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

Warning: Overusing Tears can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or worst of all, Beer 6.1. And trust me, Beer 6.1 is dangerous—it’s notorious for downloading Snoring Loudly (Beta).

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0—that program runs a hidden virus that will hijack your entire system.

Also, avoid reinstalling Boyfriend 5.0—it’s outdated and incompatible with Husband 1.0, leading to a complete system crash.

In conclusion, Husband 1.0 is a solid program, but it has limited memory and struggles with new tasks. You may want to invest in Cooking 3.0 to boost performance.

Good luck! Tech Support 😆

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends. Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. 

That’s when I did something I’ve never done before…I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi, they waved it past, and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere, and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.

The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.

You’ve been waiting for them with baited breath, right?

Eighth Place   

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place   

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.   

Sixth Place   

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.   

Fifth Place 

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place   

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place   

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.   

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.   

HONORABLE MENTION   

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.   

RUNNER UP   

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.   

AND THE WINNER IS…. 

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
 
The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves ‘…… happens’!

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL. 

Those who have followed my blog know that Thomas Jefferson rates with me as one of the greatest men our country was blessed to have. That said it is sometimes easy to forget just how great Jefferson was but the following chronology gives a brief view. One indication of that is the quote from John Kennedy at the end.

“Thomas Jefferson was a very remarkable man who started learning very early in life and never stopped.”

At 5, began studying under his cousin’s tutor.

At 9, studied Latin, Greek and French.

At 14, studied classical literature and additional languages

At 16, entered the College of William and Mary. Also could write in Greek with one hand while writing the same in Latin with the other.

At 19, studied Law for 5 years starting under George Wythe.

At 23, started his own law practice.

At 25, was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses.

At 31, wrote the widely circulated “Summary View of the Rights of British America” and retired from his law practice.

At 32, was a Delegate to the Second Continental Congress.

At 33, wrote the Declaration of Independence.

At 33, took three years to revise Virginia’s legal code and wrote a Public Education bill and a statute for Religious Freedom.

At 36, was elected the second Governor of Virginia succeeding Patrick Henry.

At 40, served in Congress for two years.

At 41, was the American minister to France and negotiated commercial treaties with European nations along with Ben Franklin and John Adams.

At 46, served as the first Secretary of State under George Washington.

At 53, served as Vice President and was elected president of the American Philosophical Society.

At 55, drafted the Kentucky Resolutions and became the active head of the Republican Party.

At 57, was elected the third president of the United States.

At 60, obtained the Louisiana Purchase doubling the nation’s size.

At 61, was elected to a second term as President.

At 65, retired to Monticello.

At 80, helped President Monroe shape the Monroe Doctrine.

At 81, almost single-handedly created the University of Virginia and served as its first president.

At 83, died on the 50th anniversary of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence along with John Adams.

I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered at the White House – with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. – John F. Kennedy – Remarks at a Dinner Honoring Nobel Prize Winners of the Western Hemisphere.

• The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
• The human brain is a wonderful thing, it starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
• Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
• If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?
• Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
• The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
• What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.
• The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
• A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.