An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?

There’s enough concrete in the Hoover Dam to build a two-lane highway from San Francisco to NYC.

Western Michigan is home to a giant lavender labyrinth so big you can see it on Google Earth.

More people live in New York City than in 40 of the 50 states

The number of bourbon barrels in Kentucky outnumbers the state’s population by more than two million.

The entire town of Whittier, Alaska lives under one roof.

The one-woman town of Monowi, Nebraska is the only officially incorporated municipality with a population of 1.  The sole, 83-year-old resident is the city’s mayor, librarian, and bartender.

The town of Centralia, Pennsylvania has been on fire for 55 years.

The total length of Idaho’s rivers could stretch across the United States about 40 times.

The entire Denver International Airport is twice the size of Manhattan.

In 1922, a man built a house and all his furniture entirely out of 100,000 newspapers. The structure still stands today in Rockport, Massachusetts.

At 46 letters, Massachusetts’s Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggcha ubunagungamaugg has the longest place name in the U.S. (even though it’s based on a joke).

The Library of Congress contains approximately 838 miles of bookshelves—long enough to stretch from Houston to Chicago.

Oregon’s Crater Lake is deep enough to cover six Statues of Liberty stacked on top of each other.

Kansas produces enough wheat each year to feed everyone in the world for about two weeks.

Boston has the worst drivers out of the nation’s 200 largest cities. Kansas City has the best drivers.

Arizona and Hawaii are now the only states that don’t observe daylight savings time.

There’s an island full of wild monkeys off the coast of South Carolina called Morgan Island, and it’s not open to humans.

It would take you more than 400 years to spend a night in all of Las Vegas’s hotel rooms.

In 1872, Russia sold Alaska to the Unites States for about 2 cents per acre.

There’s a town in Washington with treetop bridges made specifically to help squirrels cross the street.

There is enough water in Lake Superior to cover all of North and South America in one foot of liquid.

A Welcomed Change of Pace

1. My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza, are you happy?
3. How to prepare Tofu: a. Throw it in the trash b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside, they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being almost 75, I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. November 4, 2018 marks the end of Daylight-Saving Time. Hope you didn’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Pass this along to your fellow seniors.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass … then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”…

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So, he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence the old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives change. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift…

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 16 success is having a driver’s license.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having money.

At age 70 success is having sex.

At age 80 success is having a driver’s license.

At age 85 success is having friends.

At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.

It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not. Share this hilarious truth about life with others.

A man and a woman in a hot air balloon realized they were lost. They lowered their altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

The woman shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help us?  We promised friends we would meet them an hour ago, but we don’t know where we are.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level.  You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct.  But I have no idea what to do with your information, and we’re still lost.  Frankly, you’ve not been much help to us.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”

“We both are,” replied the balloonist.  “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are – or where you are going.  You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.  You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said,
”I’ll be glad to help, dear.
What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
”Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your sister?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?

Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad. I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”

Stevie: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Surprised, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?!!”

Stevie: “Yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Tiger: “But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Stevie: “Well, I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

“But, how do you putt?” asks Tiger.

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”

Tiger: “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie: “Well, actually — I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods: incredulous – says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Stevie: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money. And I never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”

Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that. OK – I’m game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?”

Stevie: “You pick a night.”