After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, documnt their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submittd by UPS pilots (“P”) and solutions recorded (“S”) by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget poundng on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

There are only ten times in history where the “F” word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

10. “What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?”
— Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

9. “What the @#$% was that?”
— Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?”
— Custer, 1877

7. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.”
— Einstein, 1938

6. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!”
— Picasso, 1926

5. “How the @#$% did you work that out?”
— Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?
— Michelangelo, 1566

3. “Where the @#$% are we?”
— Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!”
— Noah, 4314 BC

1. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?”
— Bill Clinton, 1998

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear, and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying,

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around, but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos, and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her,

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Now feeling quite scared, and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice, and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever,

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens,

“IS THAT YOU, LORD?”

The voice answered,

_____

_____

_____

“NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK.

_____

_____

_____

THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Luther, what exactly is your problem?”

Luther answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”

Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Luther to the principal’s office. While he waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Luther was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Luther: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Luther: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Luther can go to the 3rd grade.”

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”

The principal and Luther both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Luther, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Luther replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” 
Luther: “Pants.”

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

Now the principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Luther replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?”

Luther: “Shake hands.”

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”

Luther: “Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

Man on phone: “Honey, I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a great opportunity for me to get a promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod and fishing box? We’re leaving from the office, and I’ll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas!”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife, she did exactly as her husband asked. The following weekend, he came home a little tired but looking good.

The wife welcomed him and asked, “Did you catch many fish?”

He said, “Yes, lots of salmon, bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?”

You’ll love the answer!

She says, “I did… They’re in your fishing box.”

A Smile Brightens Your Day

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.

Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking.

He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.

But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”.

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”