I guess this answers the question about bears.
Author: lorenberg
Day Brightener – The Perils of a Catholic Upbringing
As I walked down the sidewalk, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
My old priest, Father Mike, always admonished me to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked’. I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, this person’s condition touched my heart.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, ‘Reach out. Reach out and touch this person!’
So I did.
I won’t be at Mass this week.
Day Brightener – Lessons That Are Short And Sweet!
AND SO ENDETH THE LESSON FOR TO-DAY…...
Day Brightener – Anagrams, This Has Got To Be One Of The Cleverest E-Mails In A While
Someone out there must be “deadly” at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!
PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Bet your friends haven’t seen this one!!!
DON’T FORGET TO SHARE THIS
Friday Frivolity – Most Of Our Generation Of 60+ Were HOME SCHOOLED In Many Ways.
1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3.My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4.My father taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7.My father taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10.My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11.My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
13.My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
“Stop acting like your father!”
15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
“Just wait until we get home.”
17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19.My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20.My father taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
“You’re just like your father.”
23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”rmb
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”rmb
25.My father taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
While the over 60 crowd will be able to identify with these statements, many of the younger ones will not believe we were told these “EXACT” words by our parents…
Day Brightener – A Day In The Life Of Seniors
Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep, but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me… ” Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck…” Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” Barb asked. “To get my teeth!”
______________________________ _______
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!” An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?” Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”
______________________________ _______
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
______________________________ _______
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Vernon, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!” “Hell,” said Vernon, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
______________________________ _______
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.” She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”
______________________________ _______
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red, and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”
Day Brightener – Pecans In The Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,’ said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me…’
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!’
The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk. When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’
The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord!
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.’
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
Day Brightener – Latest Lexophiles 😏😋
Lexophile” describes those who have a love for words & create sentences such as “You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish,” or “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.” An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, & then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPad’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist & a manicurist married. They fought tooth & nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name & a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just 2 tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
And the winner is 👏👏:
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Day Brightener – A Very Happy Ending!! – Rather Than Get Mad Get Even
On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music,and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water and three cans of sardines.
When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house…The maid quit. Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later, even though they’d cut their price in half, they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband… they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?
Day Brightener – This Could Happen To You
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
“Hi, how are you?”
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
“Doin’ just fine!”
And the other person says:
“So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
“Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!”
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
“Can I come over?”
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation I tell them
“No…….I’m a little busy right now!!!”
Then I hear the person say nervously…
“Listen, I’ll have to call you back.. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
Loren Berg's Blog 