In the first, a guy said he came up behind a car stuck in deep snow at a stop sign. The lady driver was out putting sand under the front tires. This was back in the sixties, when almost all cars were rear wheel drive. The guy got out and went up to her and asked if maybe she should put the sand under the back tires. She looked at him like he was stupid and said, “The back tires are going around just fine. It’s the front ones that won’t move!”

The second joke was sent in by a woman who said she usually took her young son to the library and helped him pick out books, but one week she was busy, so she dropped him off and said he could pick some books while she shopped. When she picked him up, he was very quiet and didn’t mention the books, and never mentioned them all evening. She thought that was odd, as he was normally excited about getting new library books. At bedtime, she asked him if he’d like to show her the books he’d picked. He reluctantly took them out of his school bag and showed them to her. She took one look and said, “But all of these books are in French!” He said, “Wow! Really? I thought I forgot how to read!”

“Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day.”

Any idea who made this statement? – Donald Trump? – No This was Thomas Jefferson – So this disposition is not new!

Further in the same item from June 14, 1807 “I will add, that the man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them; inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer to truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods & errors. He who reads nothing will still learn the great facts, and the details are all false.”

Funny, and we thought this was something new. The same sentiment 211 years apart.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I’m so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really lovedthat hat. I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat,  had to take his hat off during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the Church; so I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

Noticing that Murphy hadn’t taken the hat, the priest asked, “What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt not Steal’, you decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in hell right?”

Murphy shook his head and said, “No Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”

United Flight Attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’
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On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of yourbelongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

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‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’ The little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella, WHOA!’

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.’

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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo …. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’

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‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

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‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses… except for that gentleman over there.’

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.’

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

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Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways..’

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight – ‘Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and, if you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.’

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax…. OH, MY GOD!’ Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’ A passenger in coach yelled, ‘That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!’

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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

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What is the funniest lawyer joke you’ve ever heard?

Doctor and a lawyer chatting at a party.Every so often the doctor is interrupted by people asking advice on their medical ailments. The doctor was clearly annoyed by this but he accepted it as part of his business.

Then the doctor says why don’t people come up to you and ask for legal advice?

Lawyer says because I don’t give free advice, I always send a bill. You should try that.Doctor thinks that makes sense but as a doctor I have an obligation to help people.

Next day he gets a bill from the lawyer for the advice.PS:

The funny thing is this isn’t actually a joke

An ailing millionaire was nearing the end of his life. One day he was visited by his three closest buddies: a banker, a lawyer, and a politician. As they stood before their dying friend, he handed each of them an envelope. “Boys,” he said, “I never believed that we have to leave everything behind when we die. So, I’m handing you each an envelope with $1,000,000 inside. At my funeral, I’d like you to please slip your envelope into my coffin as you pass by and help me to live comfortably in the hereafter.”

Each man took his respective envelope and promised their old friend that they would follow through with his request. On the day of the funeral, the banker passed the open casket and discreetly placed his envelope inside. Next, the lawyer passed by and did the same. Finally, the politician followed suit.

At the end of the service, the three friends gathered outside. The banker said, “Fellas, I’ll have to admit, I didn’t put the whole $1,000,000 in the coffin. I kept $300,000 for myself.”

With a long face, the lawyer confessed, “Well, I actually kept $500,000 for myself. I need to get that off my chest.”

“Outrageous!” declared the politician, “The two of you should be ashamed of yourselves. I wrote him a check for the whole amount.”

A Rabbi a Vicar and a Priest finish a monthly inter-faith meeting at the Temple. After meeting the Rabbi suggest they take a walk. The Rabbi happens upon a brown bag, opens it and finds it is full of money. He immediately declares they share it equally. The Vicar says well we should keep some for ourselves and give the balance to our churches.

How do we decide how much for the church?

The priest says we go into temple draw a circle on the floor throw the money in the air what lands in the circle goes to God and we split what is outside the circle.

The Vicar says good idea, but we keep what’s in the circle, what’s outside goes to God.

They turn to the Rabbi deep in thought, after a moment

Rabbi declares AhhHaa, we go into shul, we throw the money in the air, God will take what he wants we keep what’s on the floor.

They agreed!

A blind rabbit and a blind snake are walking through the woods and bump into each other. “What are you?” The rabbit asked? “I don’t know,” the snake said. “I’m blind and I never found out. What are you?”

“I don’t know, I’m blind too and I never found out what I am.” the rabbit said. Then the rabbit added “Hey, I have an idea. why don’t we feel each other and tell each other what we are?”

“Great idea!” the snake said. “I’ll feel you first.”

So the snake felt the rabbit and said “Well, you’re soft and furry and have long ears. You must be a rabbit.”

Yes! That makes sense,” the rabbit said. “Thanks! Now I’ll feel you.”
So the rabbit felt the snake and said “Well, you’re cold and slimy and have no ears at all. You must be a record company executive.”