Twins in Australia – one lives in the city and one has a farm. Each week the two of them share in a Lotto ticket.After a few years, the twins (and only the twins) win first prize – $10 000 000. They share it evenly.The twin living in the city says he will retire from work, buy a new house and car, travel for six months and then just travel the country.The twin on the farm sighs and says, “Well, I guess I can stay on the farm for another ten years.”When I told this joke in the city, no-one laughed. In the country, everyone laughed!

Two elderly women were enjoying a late lunch and a drink at their favorite pub one afternoon. Ethel, glancing over at Mabel, noticed something unusual about her friend’s ear and said, “Mabel, you’ve got a suppository in your left ear!”

Mabel, surprised, pulled it out and examined it closely. “A suppository? Really?” 

She then paused, a look of realization dawning on her face. “Ethel, I’m so glad you found this! Now I know where my hearing aid has been hiding all this time.”

A young woman recently sent a hilarious tech support message about her “upgrade” from boyfriend to husband, fully expecting a joke. But when she got the reply, it was too good not to share. The love advice from tech support? Absolute genius!

The Query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a major system slowdown—especially in the flower and jewelry apps, which ran flawlessly on Boyfriend 5.0.

Worse still, Husband 1.0 uninstalled key programs like Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and replaced them with NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 barely functions anymore, and House Cleaning 2.6 crashes the whole system.

I tried running Nagging 5.3 to troubleshoot, but no luck. Please help!

Signed: Desperate

The Response (that arrived weeks later, out of nowhere):

Dear Desperate,

First, please understand that Boyfriend 5.0 was an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Big difference.

Try entering the command: IThoughtYouLovedMe.html and download Tears 6.2. Don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If executed properly, Husband 1.0 should automatically run Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

Warning: Overusing Tears can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or worst of all, Beer 6.1. And trust me, Beer 6.1 is dangerous—it’s notorious for downloading Snoring Loudly (Beta).

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0—that program runs a hidden virus that will hijack your entire system.

Also, avoid reinstalling Boyfriend 5.0—it’s outdated and incompatible with Husband 1.0, leading to a complete system crash.

In conclusion, Husband 1.0 is a solid program, but it has limited memory and struggles with new tasks. You may want to invest in Cooking 3.0 to boost performance.

Good luck! Tech Support 😆

I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends. Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. 

That’s when I did something I’ve never done before…I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi, they waved it past, and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere, and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.

The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.