1. Red Skelton: “John Wayne once told me, ‘Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.’ I told him, ‘John, I get scared just looking at a saddle!
2. Red Skelton: “I asked John Wayne how he got to be so tough. He said, ‘Well, Red, I eat a lot of steak and never back down from a fight.’ I told him, ‘I eat a lot of steak too, but the only thing I fight is indigestion!'”
3. Red Skelton: “John Wayne walked into a bar, and the bartender asked, ‘What’s your poison?’ John said, ‘Whiskey.’ I walked in right after him, and the bartender asked me the same thing. I said, ‘Pepto-Bismol!'”
4. Red Skelton: “John Wayne always had that famous swagger. I asked him how he did it. He said, ‘Red, it’s simple, you just walk like you’re carrying a pair of six-shooters.’ I tried it, and now I just walk like I’m carrying a pair of groceries!”
5. Red Skelton: “I told John Wayne that I was thinking about becoming a cowboy. He looked me up and down and said, ‘Red, you’re more of a cow than a boy!'”
6. Red Skelton: “John Wayne said he could tame any wild horse. I said, ‘That’s impressive, Duke. The wildest thing I’ve tamed is my hair in the morning!’
1. You can say Hohokam and no one thinks you’re making it up.
2. You no longer associate rivers or bridges with water.
3. You know that a “swamp cooler” is not a happy hour drink.
4. You can contemplate a high temperature of 120 degrees as “not all that bad, after all it’s a dry heat.”
5. You know that you can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in your microwave.
6. You have to run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so that you can use your fireplace.
7. The water coming from the “cold” tap is hotter than that from the hot” tap.
8. You can correctly pronounce the following words: “Saguaro”, “Tempe”, “Gila Bend”, “San Xavier del Bac”, “Canyon de Chelly”, “Mogollon Rim”, “Cholla”, and “Tlaquepacque”, “Ajo”.
9. Its noon on a weekday in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one single person is moving on the streets.
10. Hot air balloons can’t fly because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
11. You buy salsa by the gallon.
12. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and 100 paper bags.
13. You think someone driving while wearing oven mitts is clever.
14. Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name “El” or “Los.”
15. You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.
16. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
17. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
18. People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70.
19. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
20. The pool can be warmer than you are.
21. You realize Valley Fever isn’t a disco dance.
22. People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.
23. You know better than to get into a car/truck with leather seats if you’re wearing shorts.
24. Announcements for Fourth of July events always end with “in case of monsoon…”
25. You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight savings time.
THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE APPALACHIANS.
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
4. If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I’m going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there’s supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
14. You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
15. You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y’all is singular. All Y’all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Appalachian friends and those who just wish they were from the Appalachians.
AND one more:
27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reachd over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it’s butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting lcense.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it’s butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. “This duck’s from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, “Just where the hell are you from?”
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert!”
It is something we should all read at least once a week! Make sure you read to the end!
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 42 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it..
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
10. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
11. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
12. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it…
14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
15. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
16. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
17. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
21. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
22. The most important sex organ is the brain.
23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
25. Always choose life.
26. Forgive but don’t forget.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does..
31. Believe in miracles.
32. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
33. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
34. Your children get only one childhood.
35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. (I love this one)
37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
39. The best is yet to come…
40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
41. Yield.
42. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS’. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced course.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the ‘I-10’ are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn’t become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been ‘accidentally activated.
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.
· My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We’ve been awake since Tuesday.
· Someone just gave me half a peace sign. Weird.
· Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. Kids these days will never know that fear.
· My wife said: “That’s the 4th time you’ve gone back for dessert! Doesn’t it embarrass you?” I said: “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”
· She said she missed me. Normally that would be good but she’s reloading.
· When I was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape.
· My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.
· Being old is when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go too.
· I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
· At a wedding reception, someone yelled: “All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.
· I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.
· I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.
· Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation.” We’re spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.
· As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.
She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her.
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE”
Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”.
She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, “IS THAT YOU, LORD?”
The voice answered, “NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man’s milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man’s plate before joining the others at the counter.
Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, “Not much of a man, was he?”
The waitress replied,” Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!”
