As a pastor is wrapping up his service, he tells his congregation “Next week I will deliver a sermon on the evils of lying. To prepare for it, I would like you all to read Mark chapter 17.” The next week in service he asks how many parishioners read the 17th chapter of Mark. Every hand in the congregation goes up. “Mark has only 16 chapters,” the pastor continues with a grin. “I will now proceed with the sermon on lying.”

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.

Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.  The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.

BOAT OWNER: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand. He’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.

IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.

BOAT OWNER: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

A woman went to her doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you.

So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, “I had sex with a guy.” The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did!

The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, “I got in a fight with another nun.” So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did.

The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, “I pissed in the holy water!”

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.  You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings, Montana.”

“Good grief”, the man asked, “Is that where the job is?”

“No sir . . . that’s where the end of the line is right now.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answered Juan. The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. “Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

Why 4 FEET 8.5 Inches is Very Important  Fascinating Stuff . . .

Railroad Tracks
The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match
for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder,
‘What horse’s ass came up with this?’ you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story: When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad,
you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.

And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important!

Now you know, Horses’ Asses control almost everything. Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn’t it?

It has been a while since I have penned any book reviews but this past week I stumbled on a new – at least to me – author and think fans of the type of books I reviewed previously will love. The author is Barry Lancet and he has written three novels featuring Jim Brodie – an art dealer that ends up as one-half owner of a Toyko private investigator firm. Brodie, whose American father was an MP in Japan who after leaving the military opened a PI firm in San Francisco that did not do well so he returned to Toyko and opened operations there. Young Brodie spent seventeen years growing up, attending public school and absorbing the Japanese culture. Jim Brodie returned to San Francisco and got into the art business but when his father passed away he became involved in the operations of the Toyko PI firm.

The three books; Japan Town, Toyko Kill and Pacific Burn show Brodie moving between the U S and the Orient, working with law enforcement in both the U S and Japan while mixing in serious life-threatening conflicts. The character development is very good and the range of colorfully developed characters is top notch. Unlike some novels, these books hit the bricks running right from the start – no slow startups here. Like many in this genre some of the happenings do stretch the imagination but if we used that as a benchmark we would eliminate some of my favorites – think Lee Childs’ Jack Reacher.

While it is not necessary, I recommend and did, reading the books in order; Japan Town, Toyko Kill and Pacific Burn, as there is some story and character carryover. Once I read the first one could not wait to get to the other two. I think you will find these very interesting and satisfying reads.

This is one of the Alien Kidnappers who are kidnapping golfers.

Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping sexy, good looking men, who are great golfers.

You, personally, are not in any danger.

I just emailed you to say goodbye.

A middle-aged frumpy couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman had just sold the car they were interested into a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

“I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $155,000 asking price, ” said the man. “Yet I just heard you close the deal for $130,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.”

 “Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.  “There you go,” she said. “You were right that I could get this dope to reduce it.

See you later, dad.”

Never mess with the old uns!

1..Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called …’Ministers do more than Lay People’

2..Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.  

3..The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4..My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.  

5..The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

6..I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.  The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.  

7..It used to be only death and taxes.      Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

8..A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9..My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.

10..Definition of a teenager?   God’s punishment…for enjoying sex.

Thought for the day:
Be who you are and say what you feel… because those that matter..don’t mind… and those that mind… don’t matter!