1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him
2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on Jan.. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school… He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear
16. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever… There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
And the best one yet
23. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
There has always been an attraction for golfers towards the hallowed grounds of Augusta National. The Masters is one of the most unusual events in sports. It’s all about tradition, and it’s defined by a set of old rules and customs that just do not exist in other tournaments. To commemorate such an amazing place, I have collected some of the most interesting facts about Augusta National, that you can share with your friends.
1. In the Beginning The Masters as we know it would never have been, if the USGA hadn’t turned down Bobby Jones’ request to host the 1934 US Open. Angry at the rebuff, Jones and Clifford Roberts decided to stage their own event.
2. Bitter Sweet Course architect, Alister McKenzie, never saw his famous course completed. He died January 6th 1934, just 2 months before the Inaugural Masters Tournament.
3. The Language You should never hear the word “championship” on the telecast. The U.S. Open, British Open, and PGA are championships held by the major ruling and organizing bodies of the sport (or a vestige thereof in the case of the PGA). The Masters is an invitational tournament held at a very pretty golf course, given prestige by the involvement of Bobby Jones. The winner is not the champion of anything.
Other words you shouldn’t hear: “fans,” “bleachers,” “sand traps,” “front/back nine.” The officially preferred words are “patrons,” “observation stands,” “bunkers,” and “first/second nine.” That last distinction is aimed at avoiding use of the phrase “front side” for the first nine holes, leading inevitably to the so, so vulgar “back side” for the next nine.
4. Respect Some amateurs have always been invited to the Masters, out of respect for the career of club founder Bobby Jones. But Jones himself was no longer considered an amateur by the USGA by the time Augusta National opened. He never competed for prize money, but his equipment deals and Hollywood instructional short films made him a professional in the eyes of all, except for the eyes of the Masters hierarchy, of which he was a part of.
5. Ahhh…the Green Jacket If you just happen to be the winner of the Masters, you get the honor of topping off the standard ensemble with a shamrock green blazer. Professional golf’s version of a beauty queen crowning ceremony, the presenting of the Green Jacket by the previous year’s champion to the current champion at the conclusion of the tournament dates back to 1949, when Sam Snead won the Masters. However, the signature jackets started appearing at Augusta National 12 years prior, when members started sporting them during the tournament so that they would be easily identifiable by patrons in need of assistance or directions. Also, when a member hosts guests in the clubhouse, the green jacket designates who gets the bill. The Masters website has more on the sartorial back story:
“The club purchased the Jackets from the Brooks Uniform Company in New York and urged members to buy and wear them at the Masters. Initially, the idea met a lukewarm reception from the membership, for the heft of the coats made them warm to wear during a typical April in Augusta. Within a few years, the Club introduced a lighter-weight version more suited to the season. Today’s single-breasted, single-vent Jacket bears the Club’s logo on the left chest pocket and on the brass buttons adorning the front of the coat and each sleeve. The unmistakable color is known, simply, as Masters Green.”
So does the Masters winner get to take home that fetching piece of outerwear? He sure does. After the presentation ceremony, a custom version of the Green Jacket is tailored to the champ’s exact measurements and he gets to call it his own for an entire year. So, to be clear, a single jacket isn’t passed on from winner to winner. During the following year’s tournament, he must return to Augusta National and relinquish the Green Jacket, at which point it’s placed in a locker but available any time he returns to play at the club. Seve Ballesteros famously challenged the decision by saying to the Augusta committee: “If they want it, they can fly to Spain and come and get it.”
6. The Template The Masters invented the template for what we know as tournament golf. It was the first 72-hole four-day event and the first to use the over/under par system. The Masters also saw the first grandstands for viewers.
7. Strict but Polite The level of respect that the patrons of The Master’s have is only surpassed by their understanding of the game. It is awesome to witness. In the 10+ years I have been to this tournament, I have never seen a single spectator get out of line, say something in appropriate or make a scene. It is as if everyone has collectively agreed to be on their best behavior. There is no need for marshals to hold “Quiet Please” signs because everyone respects the tournament so much.
As mentioned earlier, they are not fans, they are not a crowd or even a gallery. They are patrons. You’ll hear it often during the CBS broadcast. Also, while on the grounds, patrons are told not to run. Walking only.
If you watch any pro tournament, behind the golfers you’ll see a cadre of sign-bearers, reporters, photographers, broadcast personnel and cameramen. Not at Augusta. Between the ropes, competitors, caddies, and rules officials only.
Patrons who show up early and place their chairs and leave will find their chairs waiting for them when they return. Try that at any other PGA event and let me know what happens!
More than 40 years ago, during one tense moment, CBS commentator Jack Whitaker used the term “mob” to describe the scene around a green. The Masters leadership let his bosses know that he wouldn’t be invited back, and he wasn’t.
8. Value It’s one of the best-kept numbers in sports—the initiation fee to Augusta National. With barons like Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, among others, as members it goes without saying that money isn’t the object. And it isn’t. To join is reportedly under $100,000, which might be one-tenth of other high profile clubs in the country. And if you were lucky enough to play the course with a member, you can probably afford it. Guest fees are said to be about $40.
9. The Reagan Appointment On October 23, 1983, President Ronald Reagan was playing at Augusta National as a guest of his secretary of state (and club member) George Schultz when his round was interrupted at the 16th hole by a disgruntled local named Charles Harris, who had crashed his truck through the gate and was demanding to see the President. Harris held hostages at gunpoint in the pro shop for two hours before Secret Service agents subdued him.
10. Clifford Roberts’ Demise Augusta National’s co-founder Clifford Roberts, a quiet investor turned autocrat, was at turns beloved and despised. In the fall of 1977, at age 83 and in failing health, Roberts walked to a slope next to Ike’s Pond and ended his own life with a single pistol shot to the temple.
11. The Crow’s Nest Located above the main clubhouse at Augusta, this is where the amateurs stay for the Masters week. Bobby Jones spawned the idea and the rest is quite literally history, lots of it. Eight youngsters who stayed in this infamous bedroom and gone on to win the green jacket; Nicklaus, Aaron, Watson, Crenshaw, Stadler, O’Meara, Mickelson and Woods – that’s quite a list. There are four beds, a bathroom and a living area which is lined with paintings of historical moments at the Masters and books about the history of the game.
12. Sweet Georgia Peaches The history of Augusta is much more than golf; it was once home to Fruitland Nurseries. Owned and operated by P.J. Berckmans and his family the nursery was one of the most successful horticultural sites of its time in the South. Located on Washington Road, approximately 3 miles northwest of downtown Augusta, Fruitland planted millions of peach trees in the 1800s and early 1900s and made Georgia famous for its sweet Georgia peaches. In 1931, the land was purchased and transformed into the most famous golf course in the world, Augusta National. The Berckmans’ family home still remains on the Augusta National property and serves as the clubhouse..
While I suspect that the interstate highway system in part killed the Burma Shave roadside advice and humor, below is an example. More examples to follow in future posts.
John had been a resident of Texas all of his life and was proud of being from the largest state in the United States. Then Alaska was admitted and Texas was no longer the largest state. To make matters worse someone told John that if Alaska was divided in half Texas would be the third largest state. That did it – John could not stand it any longer he had to be a resident of the largest state. He hopped in his Lear Jet and off to Anchorage Alaska. Once in Anchorage John headed for the first bar. He asked the bartender how one became an Alaska resident. The bartender replied that one must do three things; Chug a quart of whiskey, kill a grizzly bear and make love to an Eskimo woman.
John asked the bartender for the quart of Jim Beam, chugged it down and out the door he went. Ten days later John returned to the bar. His clothes were torn an he was scarred up. He approached the bartender and asked; “Now where is that Eskimo woman I have to kill?”
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,” Father, remember Psalm 100, Vers 4” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 100?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
Upon arriving at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise..”
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
“Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?
1. Alabama Named after the Alibamu tribe of Indians who were members of the Creek Confederacy. Literally, it means “clears the thicket.”
2. Alaska From the word “Alakshak’ which means peninsula.
3. Arizona This one’s uncertain but may derive from a word meaning “small springs.”
4. Connecticut From the expression “quinnitukg-ut” which means “at the long tidal river.”
5. Hawaii From the words “Havaiki” or “Hawaiki,” which was the legendary name of the original Polynesian homeland.
6. Idaho Derived from one of three sources and meaning one of three things: Comanche “Idahi”, Shoshone “ee-dah-how” which means something like “Good Morning” Salmon River Tribe of Indians “Ida” means salmon and “ho” means tribe so we might be saying “Salmon eaters”.
7. Illinois From “ilhiniwek” or “illiniwek”. “Illini” meant “man” and “iwek” makes the word plural, so, literally, “men.”
8. Iowa Named after the Ioway Indians.
9. Kansas Named after the Kansa Indians.
10. Kentucky Means one of three things: meadow lands, cane and turkey lands, or dark and bloody ground.
11. Massachusetts An Indian word meaning “about the big hill.”
12. Michigan From the Chippewa Indian word “Michigama” meaning “large lake.”
13. Minnesota From the Dakota Indian word “Minisota” meaning “white water.”
14. Mississippi From the Choctaw word meaning “Great water” or “Father of Waters.”
15. Missouri “Town of the large canoes.”
16. Nebraska From the Oto Indian word meaning “flat water.”
17. New Mexico Named after Mexico, of course. Means “place of the Mexica.” One source says that it’s derived from the name “Mertili” who was an Aztec god.
18. Ohio From the Iroquois word meaning “beautiful.”
19. Oklahoma From the Chocraw word meaning “red people.”
20 and 21. South and North Dakota This used to all simply be called the Dakota Territory. The Indian word “Dahkota” means “friends” or “allies”.
22. Tennessee From the Cherokee “Tanasi” which was a village. The word means one of three things: “meeting place”, “winding river”, or “river of the great bend”.
23. Texas A Caddo Indian word meaning “allies.”
24. Utah Derived from the Ute Indian word “Yuta” meaning “people who live high in the mountains.”
25. Wisconsin From the word “Wishkonsing” meaning “place of the beaver.”
26. Wyoming “On the Great Plain.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark
This is a conversation between a man and a woman. Please note that she asks seven questions which he answered quite simply, and she is speechless after answering only two questions.
Woman: Do you play golf ? Man: Yes
Woman: How many times a week? Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per round? Man: Usually about $35 which includes lunch. (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been playing? Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a round costs $35 and you have 3 rounds a week which puts your spending each month at about $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at about $108,000 correct? Man: Seems about right.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t play so much golf, that money could have been put in an interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could buy a new Ferrari?
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