1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS’. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced course. 

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’. 

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way. 

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot. 

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting. 

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items. 

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the ‘I-10’ are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn’t become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain. 

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been ‘accidentally activated. 

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot. 

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

Recently, in a large city in France, a poster featuring a young, thin, and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.It read: “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”?

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman pictured on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym. She had a whale of a lot to say:

“To Whom It May Concern,?

Whales are always surrounded by friends: dolphins, sea lions, and curious humans. They have an active sex life, get pregnant, and have adorable baby whales. They enjoy stuffing themselves with shrimp, playing and swimming in the sea, and visiting wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea, and the coral reefs of Polynesia.

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. ?They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.They are loved, protected, and admired by almost everyone in the world.?

Mermaids don’t exist.If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of psychoanalysts due to their identity crisis. Fish or human would prove quite a quandary for even the most skilled of therapists.

They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them … where is IT? Therefore, they don’t have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store??

P.S. We are in an age when the media attempts to convince us that only skinny people are beautiful. I prefer to enjoy ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and good chocolate with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated, and happy.?