One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s how the fight started…..

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said,’Is that your final answer?’ She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s when the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.” And that’s when the fight started…..

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My wife and I were  at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, he’s my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?” And then the fight started…

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When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Lots of dust.” And then the fight started…

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started……

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’ And then the fight started…

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My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.” That’s when the fight began . . .

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I rear-ended a car this morning . . .the start of a really bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’ So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’ That’s how the fight started

A circus owner runs an ad for a “lion tamer wanted” and two people show up.

One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history.

“Here’s your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The gorgeous brunette says, “I’ll go first.”

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage.

The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor!! He says, “That’s amazing!  I’ve never seen anything like that in my life!”

Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, “Can you top that?”

The tough old golfer replies… “Possibly… but you’ve got to get that lion out of there first.”

Purgatory Golf Club

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks in your first three months here.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?”

“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?”

The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.”

St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. St.Peter cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand.

“I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and wondered aloud,

“I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”

Three Irishmen were sitting in the pub window seat…Watching the front door of the brothel across the road.

The local Methodist pastor appeared, and quickly went inside.

“Would you look at that!” said the first Irishman. “Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appeared at the door, knocked, and entered.

“Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!”

They continued drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door

“Ah, now dat’s sad,” said the third Irishman. “One of the girls must have died…”

Recently, a Police Department ran an e-mail forum with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, “Community Policing.”  One of  the civilian e-mail participants posed the following question: “I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?”

From the “other side” (the law enforcement side) Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:

“First of all, let me tell you this…it’s not easy.  In our city, we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as “patrol”) where we do most of our harassing.  The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day. Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follow:

PHONE:  People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment.  “My neighbor is beating his wife” is a code phrase used often. This means we’ll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one: “There’s a guy breaking into a house.” The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS:  We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver’s licenses and the like. It’s lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

RUNNERS:  Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny.  When you catch them you can harass them for hours to determine why they didn’t want to talk to us.

STATUTES:  When we don’t have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called “Statutes”; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc…They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there’s this book we have that says that’s not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It’s a really cool system that we’ve set up, and it works pretty well.

We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to “harass” some people. Next time you are in my town, give me the old “single finger wave.” That’s another one of those codes. It means, “You can’t harass me.” It’s one of our favorites.

Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better how we harass the good citizens.

Two old guys, one 81 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 81 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home the 81 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said “Do you have any Rye bread?”

She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”

He said, “I want 5 loaves.”

She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves . . . By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”

He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me.”

Hi Sweetheart, 

I am sorry about getting into an argument about putting up the Christmas lights. I guess that sometimes I feel like you are pushing me too hard when you want something. I realize that I was wrong and I am apologizing for being such a hard-headed guy. All I want is for you to be happy and be able to enjoy the holiday season. Nothing brightens the Christmas spirit like Christmas lights! I took the time to hang the lights for you today; and now I will be off to the hockey rink. 

Again, I am very sorry for the way I acted yesterday. I’ll be home later. 

Love you.. 

Her response –

Hi Honey,

Thank you for that heart-felt apology. I don’t often get an apology from you, and I truly appreciate it. I, too, felt bad about the argument and wanted to apologize. I realize that I can sometimes be a little pushy. I will try to respect your feelings from now on. Thank you for taking the time to hang the Christmas lights for me. It really means a lot. In the spirit of giving, I washed your truck for you; and now I am off to the mall. 

I love you too!

This is alarming & scary stuff! Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

( A ) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Oestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

( B ) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 10 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period

( C ) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer

A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40’s, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn’t far from the course, the waitresses were young, good looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.  He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.