Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So, she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”

“I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fucking wall.”

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn’t think the chiropractor could improve my posture… but I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night.  She called me a cheap-skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.  It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met.  I’m not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16.  So the difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.  I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.  He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?  Suture self.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.” 

The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?” At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally, I pondered an age-old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” But you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.  Then maybe a nap.

1. ARBITRAITOR
A cook who leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.

3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through.

4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do.

5. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

6. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

7. HEROES
What a man in a boat does.

8. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower.

9. PARADOX
Two physicians.

10. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm.

11. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring.

12. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife.

13. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does.

14. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official.

Did you hear about the person who took a day off work to eat ice cream? 
They needed a Sundae break.

Why did the kid think it was Sunday?
Because the sun was out!

Why are people happier on Sunday?
Because Sadderday is over.

On Sunday, what is the nastiest term you can speak?
It’s Monday!

What do you call a chef who only works on Sundays? 
A Sundae chef.

What type of music should you listen to while fishing on Sunday? 
Something catchy.

Why didn’t Sunday go to the gym? 
He wasn’t a weak day.

Why did the Sun cover its eyes on Sunday? 
It saw the back side of the moon.

What day of the week do vampires always stay home? 
SUNday

Why do hot dogs and Sundays go together so well? 
Because that’s not the worst thing for a day at the ballpark.

On which days do you feel the most powerful? 
Saturday and Sunday since the rest are weak days.

Which day of the week do sunflowers adore? 
Sunday

What is the key to any good mailman joke? 
Don’t tell it on Sunday.

What do you call a Sunday dinner eaten on a Monday? 
Cold

What causes a surge of spirits to haunt cinemas on Sunday nights? 
Their eagerness to jeer at the screening.