A man on a bicycle is stopped at the US-Mexico border by Border Patrol. The border agent asks what is in the backpack he’s wearing. “Uh, sand”, the bicyclist responds. The agent asks to look inside and sure enough it appears to be full of sand. “Dump it out” the agent insists. So, he dumps out the contents of the backpack on the road and the agent searches through the sand looking for contraband. Finding nothing but sand, he allows the biker to pass into Mexico.

The next day the biker comes to the border again. The same agent asks about the backpack. “It’s just sand”, says the biker. The agent, who refuses to be fooled, tells him to dump it out. Again, he searches through the sand finding nothing.

“Sir, you’re going to dump the sand every single day. I’m not letting you through without checking. I don’t care how many times you come here; you’re dumping the sand every single time”.

“No problem” says the biker.

Sure enough, they go through this ritual day after day, month after month, year after year. Until one day, the biker stops coming.

One day after work, the agent sees the biker at a bar. “I know you”, says the agent.” You’re the guy who brought sand across the border every day”.

“Yep. That’s me” says the biker.

“You gotta tell me, buddy, why did you bring sand across the border every day”?

“Sand? the biker replies. “I was selling stolen bicycles!”

 

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn’t panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.” Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”

• Golf balls are like eggs – they’re white, they’re sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
• The pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you must have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
• It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps with house or yard work will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. – Did you ever notice that it’s a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to go to church?
• It takes longer to become good at golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around in a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
• A good golf partner is one who’s slightly worse than you.
• The rake is always in the other trap.
• If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
• Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.
• It’s easy to keep your ball in the fairway if you don’t care which fairway.
• If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.
• The greatest sound in golf is the “Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh” of your opponent’s club as he hurls it across the fairway.
• A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there’s ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.
• It’s difficult to decide which is more stressful – hitting 3 off the tee or lining up your 4th putt
• With practice and strength training you can easily get more distance off the shank.
• The only sure way to get a par is to leave a 4-foot birdie putt 2 inches from the hole.
• Nothing straightens out a nasty slice like a sharp dogleg to the right.
• Golden Rule: Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
• No matter how badly you are playing, it’s always possible to get worse.

A person is traveling and calls home to ask how things are at home. The kid says the cat died. Kid is told you don’t break news that directly, you first say cat is on the roof, next day cat it injured, third day cat died, so it isn’t a shock. Next day calls home to see how things are and is told “grandma is on the roof”.

GOTTA LOVE GRANDMA
The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that that could possibly help you sleep!”

She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee.     “Yes, dear, I know that.    But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And, believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

You gotta Love Grandmas

THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

BIOLOGY EXAM
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

A RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in  Detroit . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”

“Most of them become taxi drivers,” she said.