Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, “Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Joe, Look here!  We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back to Alabama, sell ’em and make a fortune.  Just let me do the talkin’, ’cause if they hear your accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us”.

Now, I’ll talk in a slow Texas drawl so’s they don’t know we is from Alabama.”

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39.
I’ll back up my pickup and.”

“The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from Alabama, ain’t ya?”

“Well…yeah,” says a surprised Bubba.

“How come ya’ll knowed that?”

“Because this is a Dry-Cleaners.”

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”

“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance.  I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife with another man and then my own dog bit me.”

“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!”

“But enough about me, how’s your day going?

1. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Minnesota.

2. If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Minnesota.

3. If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Minnesota.

4. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Minnesota.

5. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Minnesota.

6. If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day and back again, you may live in Minnesota.

7. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Minnesota.

8. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Minnesota.

9. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Minnesota.

10. If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Minnesota.

11. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Minnesota.

12. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Minnesota.

13. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Minnesota.

14. If you find 10 degrees ‘a little chilly’, you may live in Minnesota.

15. If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to your entire Minnesotan friends & others, you definitely live in Minnesota.

• “If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.”  (Eva Gabor)
• “Old age comes at a bad time.” (Ed Sullivan)
• “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” (Stevie Wonder)
• “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it.”  (Golda Meir)
• “The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. (Mark Twain)
• “I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.” (Phyllis Diller)
• “Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere.” (George Burns)\
• “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up; then, you forget to pull your zipper down.” (Rob Reiner)
•  “You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not THAT tired.” (Princess Grace)
•  “Old people shouldn’t eat Health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” (Bob Hope)
• “At my age, flowers scare me.” (George Burns)
•  “It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” (Ed Sullivan)
• The years between 55 and 75 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.”  (T.S Elliot)
• “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”  (Ann Landers)
• “When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.” (Milton Berle)
• “The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.” (Martin Scorsese)
• “We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” (Pablo Picasso)
•  “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – (Andy Rooney)
•  “The older I get, the better I used to be.” (Lee Trevino) 
• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for      their final exam.” (George Carlin)
• “Everything seems to slow down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.” (Elizabeth Taylor)
• “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.” (Norman Vincent Peale)
• “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” (Mark Twain)
• “You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” (Dennis Quaid)
• “There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” (Adam & Eve)
• “There are three stages in man’s Life: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.” (Leon Phillips)
• “Looking fifty is great — if you’re sixty.” – (Joan Rivers)

Confession 1
An Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’

The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’

The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’

‘It is!’

‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’

‘I can!’

‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’

‘I do!’

‘Is he a member of your congregation?’

‘He is!’

‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’

‘He will.’

Confession 2
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’

Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’

Man: ‘What sins?’

Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’

Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’

Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

Man: ‘I’m 92 years old .. . . . I’m telling everybody!’