*The Green Thing !*

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older
woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.”

The cashier responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did 
not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

She was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day. 
Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the 
store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized 
and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they 
really were recycled.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every shop 
and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb 
into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the
throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right. We didn’t have the green thing back in our
day. Back then, we had one TV or radio in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief — remember them? — not a screen the size of the county.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have
electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile
item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the
lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right. We didn’t have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn’t expect it to be flown in from other parts of the world thousands of kilometers away.

We actually cooked food that didn’t come out of a packet, tin or plastic
wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes
to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi
service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of
sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old 
folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson
in conservation from a young person. We don’t like being old in the
first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off…

“I wish more people were fluent in silence.”

Why are relationships like algebra? 
Because you look at your X and wonder Y?

“I like sleeping because it’s like being dead without the commitment.”

Since zombies feed on brains, it looks like you’re safe.

“Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list”

“You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”

If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.

“I lost your number. I lost it when I hit ‘delete.'”

“Always remember: you’re just as unique as everybody else.”

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

“Always remember: you’re just as unique as everybody else.”

It takes patience to listen… it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

Why shouldn’t you worry about what other people think? 
Because they don’t really do it very often.

If you’re here, who’s running hell?

Michael was an avid golfer with such an arrogant attitude that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter was waiting for him. St. Peter asked, “Michael, do you think you deserve to enter Heaven?” Michael replied, “I’m such a good golfer, I think I should go to Heaven.” St. Peter decided to test Michael’s claim and asked him to demonstrate his skills. Michael teed up a ball and took a mighty swing. The ball soared off into the clouds, straight towards the Pearly Gates. Just as it was about to land, a gust of wind blew it off course and it landed in Hell. St. Peter shook his head and said, “Sorry, Michael, you’ll have to go to Hell.” Michael protested, “But I’m such a good golfer!” St. Peter replied, “Yes, but this is Heaven. We don’t have a golf course here.

Here’s another one: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one.

Phil My Dear husband,

I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you.

I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and feel I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today, which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV shows. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything else that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your Ex-Wife.

Don’t try to find me. Your brother and I are moving to New Zealand together. Have a great life!

—————————— —————

REPLY:

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. The reason I watch TV so much is because it drowns out your constant whining and bitching. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair-do last week, but the 1st thing that came to my mind was ‘You look just like a boy.’ Since my father taught me not to say anything, ‘if you can’t say something nice, etc.,’ I didn’t comment….and when you cooked my “favorite meal,” you must have confused me with MY BROTHER because I haven’t eaten prawns for years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was only a coincidence that my brother had borrowed $300 from me just that morning.

After all this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So, when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris…….. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dollar from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Rich As Hell and Free Ex-Husband.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

I hope this doesn’t present a problem.

An elderly man while reversing his car, hits the car of the guy behind him, an expensive Ferrari sports car. Enraged, the guy and his bodyguard hop out of the car and confront the old man.

“Look what you did to my car,” he yells. “You’re going togive me $10,000 right now or my bodyguard is gonna’ beat you to a pulp!”

“Oh my,” says the petrified old man, “I don’t have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll definitely know what to do.

“Dolphins?” the other driver shouts, while rolling his eyes and sleeves.

The old man pulls out his mobile phone and dials, and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

“So, you’re a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear-ended my Ferrari and I want ten grand right now or me and my bodyguard will beat your old man and even you to a pulp.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” says the voice calmly on the other end.
 
Exactly ten minutes later a jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to single-handedly beat the living daylights out of both the bully and his bodyguard, leaving them in a heap on the side of the road.

When he’s finished, he walks over to his father and says: “For  the last time Dad, I’m telling you that I train Seals, Navy Seals, not dolphins.”