The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a  cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter…

If you don’t send this to five GOOD friends Rrght away there will be five fewer people smiling in the world.

The peregrine falcon (Falco peregrinus) is the fastest bird in the world, and not only that, it is also the fastest animal of all. Its daily flight is around 100 km/h, but when it comes to hunting it is capable of diving at more than 300 km/h. Its entire anatomy is perfectly adapted for the extreme speeds it can achieve. For this reason, it is not new that part of its aerodynamics has been adopted in the aerospace sector.

• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t.  That must be frustrating.
• Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.
• Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis
• Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers.  If you do find one, what’s your plan?
• The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
• Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
• You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.
• How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when…
  • the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and
  • the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years.
• I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.
• If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
• When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.  He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise.  But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
• Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
• We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.
• The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.
• When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.\
• Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
• Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
• If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
• You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
• Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
• After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
• Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
• For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version ….it doesn’t listen to anything.
• I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.
• Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.
• Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.”  I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
• The pessimist complains about the wind.  The optimist expects it to change.  The realist adjusts his sails.
• There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.  Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
• Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
• I have many hidden talents.  I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
• My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
• Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making.  It’s true.  I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.

There were two nuns, one was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the
other one as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½
minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What
can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later…

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so
he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty……

Say two Hail Marys and be logical and forward this email to your friends!

And the Moral of the Story is:

LOGIC BEATS MATH ANYTIME.

And Math cannot survive without Logic.

My friend, Tom, is a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:

 • To learn how to invest his inheritance.

 • To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 200 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Sent to me by a contributor whose 84 year old Canadian Cousin who is having “serious” surgery on November 7th!!!