A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said. “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer.” She responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry.” She said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto.” The man said. “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba.” ………..

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I must walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing…

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. 

Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. 

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. 

Well, he said, ‘It’s what mommy calls me sometimes’. 

The little girl screams to her brother 

‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole.

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. —Beverly Gross

Since the coronavirus outbreak, my 47-year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an old eighth-grade math quiz.” —Susan Freeman

An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said. “Is this the salon near the fire station?” she asked. “No, this is the fire station.” “Oh! Are you cutting hair in there now?” —Karen Strand

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I must know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” 

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.  

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’ ”  Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”  Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery atno charge.”   “I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. 

Now tell me about the third time.” “All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”