Newfoundlanders Fire Ins. For Wooden Leg.

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland , from Vancouver. (Canada)

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in BC was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, ‘$39.00.’

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in BC!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, ‘Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*’

I always did find the Newfoundland Logic far superior to most others

SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, “Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that!  I’m dating Susan!”

TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward, he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.  He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.   Damned good!”

The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”

The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”

The preacher said, “No shit?”

WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.   With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.  That should solve the problem.”

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table

“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”

“Just take two,” Brenda replied.  “The rest are for your father”

THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

“Your Honour,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92 if he could screw, he could fly.”

FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa …“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”  Bob replied, “Girlfriend?  She’s my wife!”  They’re knocked over, but continue to ask:  “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”  “I lied about my age,” Bob replied.  “What?  Did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.  Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.  

Then the woman’s husband also comes home.   She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. 

The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’ 

The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’ 

Boy – ‘I have a golf ball.’ 

Man – ‘That’s nice.’ 

Boy – ‘Want to buy it?’ 

Man – ‘No, thanks.’  

Boy – ‘My dad’s outside.’ 

Man – ‘OK, how much?’ 

Boy – ‘$250’ 

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. 

Boy – ‘Dark in here.’ 

Man – ‘Yes, it is.’ 

Boy – ‘I have sand wedge.’ 

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’ 

Boy – ‘$750’ 

Man – ‘Sold..’ 

A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, ‘Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let’s go outside and have some short game practice.   The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.’

The father says, ‘What?!   How much did you sell them for?’ 

Boy – ‘$1,000.’ 

The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that.   That is far more than those two things cost.   I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’ 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. 

The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’

The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit with me again.  “You’re in my closet now!’

For the Irish In All of Us……

While on vacation in Rome, I noticed a marble column in St. Peter’s with a golden telephone on it.  As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for.  The priest told me it was a direct line to Heaven, and if I’d like to call, it would be a thousand dollars.  I was amazed but declined the offer.

Throughout Italy, I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column.  At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to Heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars.

Then – I finished my tour in Ireland.  I decided to attend Mass at a local village church.  When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: “DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents.”  “Father,” I said, “I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I’ve seen telephones exactly like this one.  But the price is always a thousand dollars.  Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?”

The priest smiled and said, “My good man, you’re in Ireland now.  It’s a local call.”

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!!

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer. ‘And now you sir?’, she asked the second man.

‘Hmmm…..let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes, and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response…

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

As most of you know, I rarely post videos. The YouTube video at the end of this post rises well above the ordinary, especially for those of us that grew up with both the Lone Ranger and Glen Campbell.

The Lone Ranger Rides Again!…

For most of the 1960s, Glen Campbell’s brilliant guitar playing was known only by a select few top recording studios and artists. Long before Glen became known nationally as an outstanding vocalist, actor and TV personality, he was one of the most in-demand recording studio guitarists in the world. He could have earned a 7-figure annual income as a high-end, asked-for studio guitarist for years on end if that had been all he cared to do.

How good was he? The Lone Ranger knows! You will enjoy. Take a look at this video, one you may have never seen before. “Hi Yo,Silver, Away!” It doesn’t get much better than this. “The William Tell Overture” by Gioacchino Rossini.To

Many of us grew up watching the Lone Ranger and Tonto on black and white television. Years later, many of us watched the Glen Campbell show on TV as well. This video is a clip of a younger Glen Campbell playing the William Tell Overture (with symphony orchestra) and dedicating it to Clayton Moore, who played the Lone Ranger and Jay Silverheels, who played Tonto. You may never have seen Glen play like this before. This is world-class guitar playing and Campbell makes it look easy; note he is playing a 12 string! The sounds of Glen Campbell on guitar and the symphony orchestra playing Rossini’s “William Tell Overture” will take you back to those golden days of yesteryear, when the strains of Rossini’s masterpiece coming over the radio meant the Lone Ranger show was about to begin.

Here is the link to the Youtube video – https://biggeekdad.com/2016/04/william-tell-overture-glen-campbell/

To view the video, Click Here.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life after death at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: “Kris, Kris, can you hear me?”

“Is that you, Frank?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you’d be proud — lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again.

Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”.

“Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?”

“No — I’m a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.”