The following are called paraprosdokians. A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oftentimes very humorous:

• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they’re flashing behind you.
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I’m great at multi-tasking–I  can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• If  you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• Take my advice — I’m not using it.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
• Hospitality  is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
• Behind  every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
• I  was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I  was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
• If  at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If  tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
• Money is the root of all wealth.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy, at other times I let her sleep.

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903–Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

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In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only the good die young

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In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not rising.

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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.

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A lawyer’s epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

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John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

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Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.

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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod, Pease shelled out and went to God.

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THIS ONE IS EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN: –

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by, as you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I’ll not consent, Until I know which way you went.

And the final one…

On a tombstone in Boothill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a 44 No Les, No more.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said. “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.”

“The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”

1. People born in the 50’s have lived in 7 decades, 2 millenniums.  We had the best music, fastest cars, drive-in theaters, soda fountains, and happy days.  And we are not even that old, we are just that cool.
2. Don’t stop having fun when you get older because you will get older when you stop having fun.
3. There are three signs of old age.  The first is memory loss.  I forget the other two. 
4. At my age the only pole dancing I do is to hold onto the safety bar in the bathtub. 
5. Who cares if we are getting old?  We still rock. 
6. Some people say we act looney.  We prefer to say we indulge in random self-amusement. 
7. Getting older has some benefits.  Call it a senior moment and you can get away with pretty much anything.
8. I am old enough to make my own decisions.  Just not young enough to remember what I decided. 
9. An 86-year-old has written a romance novel.  Most of the steaminess comes from the hot flashes. 
10. Getting Older is like being on a roller coaster.  There are highs, lows, laughter, and tears and sometimes you just may wet your pants a little. 
11. Welcome to the age where your secrets are safe with your friends.  They can’t remember them either. 
12. Don’t mess with old people, we didn’t get this age being stupid.
13. I am still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age. 
14. Why is it the one who snores the loudest is always the first to fall asleep. 
15. My granddaughter asked me what it was like to be old.  “Put cotton in your ears and pebbles in your shoes.  Pull on rubber gloves.  Smear Vaseline over your glasses, there you have it: Instant:  ‘Old Age’.” 
16. It is a hoot being older.  You are at the age that you can finally say exactly what you are thinking. 
17. I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older…younger. 
18. As you get older you will understand more and more that it is not about what you like or what you own.  I am all about the person you have become. 

Whatever you do…Have fun and Bring Joy to Others!

• My Goal For 2020 Was To Lose 10 Pounds. Only Have 14 To Go
• I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese.  FINE, it was a pizza…. OK, I ate a pizza!  Are you happy now?
• I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
• I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
• A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
• Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
• Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
• Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside, they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
• I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.  I forgot where I was going with this.
• I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
• A thief broke into my house last night.  He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
• remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
• Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
• Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
• Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, & slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So, don’t sing
• I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
• So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
• If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
• I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
• Cronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
• Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
• getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
• I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
• At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in:  “That’s a load of 2020.”  or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
• You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
• We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.