It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight, and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14”.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F*** You!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ 

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’ 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’ 

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’ 

The defense attorney nearly died. 

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

Not long ago a merchant found many monkeys living near a certain village.

One day he came into the village stating that he wanted to buy these monkeys. He announced that he would buy the monkeys for $100 each.

The villagers thought that this man must be crazy – How can somebody buy stray monkeys at $100 each? Still people caught some monkeys and sold them to the Merchant for $100 each.

This news spread like wildfire and more people caught monkeys and sold them to the Merchant. After a few days, the Merchant announced that he would now buy monkeys for $200 each.

The laziest villagers now ran around to catch the remaining monkeys! They sold the remaining monkeys at $200 each.

The Merchant then announced that he would buy monkeys for $500 each! The villagers start to lose sleep!  They caught six or seven monkeys, which was all that were left and got $500 each.

The villagers were awaiting anxiously for the next announcement.

Then the Merchant proclaimed that he is going on holiday for a week, but when he returned would buy monkeys at $1000 each! He also said that in his absence his Employee would be in charge to take care of the monkeys he had purchased.

 The Merchant went on holiday.

The villagers were frantic and very sad as there were no more monkeys left for them to sell at $1000 each as promised by the Merchant, but then the Merchant’s Employee publicized that he would secretly sell some monkeys at $700 each.

The news spread like wildfire as the Merchant had promised that upon his return monkeys would be purchased for $1000 each, a $300 profit for each monkey.

The next day the villagers queued up near the monkey cage. The Employee sold all the monkeys at $700 each. The rich villagers bought monkeys in large lots, and the poor borrowed money from money lenders and bought the rest of the monkeys.

The villagers took care of their monkeys and waited for the Merchant to return.

When the Merchant didn’t return they searched to for the Employee, but he could not be found either.

Eventually the Villagers realized that they have been duped into buying the useless stray monkeys at $700 each and were now unable to sell them for any amount.

This Monkey Business is now known as cryptocurrency.

First-class service on United’s DC-8 (the 1970s)

Believe it or not, this is economy class seating on Pan Am 747 in the ‘60’s ….

Given the current state of air travel – even discounting the recent boondoggle – these photos are only a memory for some and a wish for a return.

A unique perspective…! A reminder that not all children grow up in fortunate circumstances.

When I was a child, my father cheated and didn’t love my family.

Later, my parents divorced.

Soon my mother died in a car accident.

My brother and I could only live in my grandma’s old house.

Grandma’s sister was an alcoholic.

The whole family lived on my grandma’s savings.

Grandma recently died.

My Uncle Andy is barely keeping himself out of jail from day to day.

My brother left home and won’t talk to us anymore.

Dad, now 73, had to go out to work to support the family and eventually he is going to want me to do the same thing.”

Yours sincerely

Prince William

Yep, it’s that time of year again to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important
to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test. 
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you’re losing it or not. 

The space below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer. 
OK, relax, clear your mind, and begin.

#1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast,’ just give up now, and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself! If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

# 2. Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women’s Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say ‘water,’ proceed to Question #3.

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said ‘green bricks,’ why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!!! But, if you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question #4.

# 4. It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man’s land”?

Answer: You don’t bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you’re a dunce and you must stop. If you said, “You don’t bury survivors”, proceed to the next question.

# 5. Do not use a calculator for this: 

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus, and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off, and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off, and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off, and 3 get on. 
You then arrive at Philadelphia Station. Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!!! Don’t you remember your own age?!? It was YOU, driving the bus!!!If you pass this along to your friends, pray that they do better than you.

P.S.: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!!

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have….similar to my character lines.

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”
. . . and that, my friend, is the definition of ‘OLD’!!!