A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz GT, and he will supply all of your clothes.”

“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-shittin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . You started it

As many households begin preparations for holiday meals this little vignette may resonate.

A caring husband sees that his wife is busy in the kitchen and offers to help. “My dear, what can I do to help you?”

She says:  “Take this bag of potatoes, peal half of them, and put them in the big pot with water.”

Merry Christmas!!

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s
house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

  

 

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

 On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

 When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

A one-foot putt … who the hell misses a one-foot putt?

One never knows what might happen. This morning while we were sitting in the family room, two birds slammed into the windows and fell to the patio. Right after came a Great Horned Owl that promptly sat on the edge of one of our patio chairs – see the picture. After a couple of minutes, the Owl lifted off, picked up one of the quail and flew away. Now, Great Horned Owls are generally nocturnal hunters and eaters but evidently this Great Horned Owl discovered that daytime hunting is quite successful.

The day that Albert Einstein feared most has arrived

This is what ‘I can wait’ looks like…

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something…But after Russ hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and– lo and behold! — there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?’  Russ replied, ‘I have been in jail.’ ‘Jail!’ cried Sam. What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Russ said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the  coffee shop where I sometimes go?’

‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?’

‘Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.

‘The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’