And to quote Winston Churchill – “Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.“
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven .
The angel said: “Unfortunately, there’s only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: “Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!
I don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him … but they kind of taste like peppermint.
A: A 1909 White Steamer, ordered by President Taft.
Q: Who opened the first drive-in gas station?
A: Gulf opened up the first station in Pittsburgh in 1913.
Q: What city was the first to use parking meters?
A: Oklahoma City , on July 16, 1935.
Q: Where was the first drive-in restaurant?
A: Royce Hailey’s Pig Stand opened in Dallas in 1921.
Q: True or False? The 1953 Corvette came in white, red and black.
A: False. The 1953 ‘Vettes were available in one color, Polo White.
Q: What was the first car fitted with an alternator, rather than a direct current dynamo?
A: The 1960 Plymouth Valiant
Q: What was the first car to be offered with a “perpetual guarantee”?
A: The 1904 Acme, from Reading , PA. Perpetuity was disturbing in this case, as Acme closed down in 1911.
Q: What car was the first to have its radio antenna embedded in the windshield?
A: The 1969 Pontiac Grand Prix.
Q: Where was the World’s first three-color traffic lights installed?
A: Detroit , Michigan in 1919. Two years later they experimented with synchronized lights.
Q: What type of car had the distinction of being GM’s 100 millionth car built in the U.S. ?
A: March 16, 1966 saw an Olds Toronado roll out of Lansing , Michigan with that honor.
Q: Where was the first drive-in movie theater opened, and when?
A: Camden , NJ in 1933
Q: What autos were the first to use a standardized production key-start system?
A: The 1949 Chryslers
Q: What car was the first to place the horn button in the center of the steering wheel?
A: The 1915 Scripps-Booth Model C. The car also was the first with electric door latches.
Q: What U.S. production car has the quickest 0-60 mph time?
A: The 1962 Chevrolet Impala SS 409. Did it in 4.0 seconds.
Q: What’s the only car to appear simultaneously on the covers of Time and Newsweek?
A: The Mustang
Q: What was the lowest priced mass produced American car?
A: The 1925 Ford Model T Runabout. Cost $260, $5 less than 1924.
Q: What is the fastest internal-combustion American production car?
A: The 1998 Dodge Viper GETS-R, tested by Motor Trend magazine at 192.6 mph.
Q: Who wrote to Henry Ford, “I have drove fords exclusively when I could get away with one. It has got every other car skinned, and even if my business hasn’t been strictly legal it don’t hurt anything to tell you what a fine car you got in the V-8”?
A: Clyde Barrow (of Bonnie and Clyde ) in 1934.
Q: What car was the first production V12, as well as the first production car with aluminum pistons?
A: The 1915 Packard Twin-Six. Used during WWI in Italy, these motors inspired Enzi Ferrari to adopt the V12 himself in 1948.
Q: What was the first car to use power operated seats?
A: They were first used on the 1947 Packard line.
Q: Which of the Chrysler “letter cars” sold the fewest amount?
A: Only 400, 1963, 300J’s were sold (they skipped “I” because it looked like a number 1)
Q: When were seat belts first fitted to a motor vehicle?
A: In 1902, in a Baker Electric streamliner racer which crashed at 100 mph. on Staten Island !
Q: In January 1930 , Cadillac debuted it’s V16 in a car named for a theatrical version of a 1920’s film seen by Harley Earl while designing the body, What’s that name?
A: The “Madam X”, a custom coach designed by Earl and built by Fleetwood. The sedan featured a retractable landau top above the rear seat.
Q: What is the Spirit of Ecstasy?
A: The official name of the mascot of Rolls Royce, she is the lady on top of their radiators. Also known as “Nellie in her nighty.”
Q: Where did the name ” Pick UP Truck” come from?
Trivia…Ford, who made the first pick-up trucks, shipped them to dealers in crates, the new owners had to assemble ,using the crate , as the beds of the trucks. The new owners had to go to the dealers , to get them, thus , they had to :”pick-up” the trucks.And now you know the “rest of the story
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Pharmacist to a customer: “Madam, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill youneed a properprescription.Simply showing your marriage certificate and husband’s picture is not enough.”
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied, “My husband’scheckbook!
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
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