Gosh friends, I’m sure proud to be from Minnesota.

Archeological Study: After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 
Not  to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just  outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read,  “California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”
 
One week later, a local newspaper in Duluth, MN reported the following: 
”After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Anoka, Ole Olson, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, MN had already gone wireless.” 

Just makesmefeel so good to be from this fine enlightened state.

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD   OF YOU
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke.Go ahead and try it….

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going? 

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change??? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?

HO HUM DIDDLY DUM  

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland.  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’  The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.  She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.  She says, ‘What’s the story?’  He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’ She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.  She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together.  Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!’

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.  ‘Impossible!’ says the doctor… ‘Show me.  ‘The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.  She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise, she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?’  Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’  ‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!  Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’  ‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’ The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’ The Blonde said, ‘So what?  We’re going to be the first on the sun!’  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. ‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.  She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’  She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.  The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’   ‘HELLLOOOOOOO. . .. ,’ answered the blonde.  ‘They’re watch dogs.’

Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon
The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world’s ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert; the average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi Desert.

Brazil
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ‘ Big Village ‘.

Chicago
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit
Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus, Syria
Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul, Turkey
Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles
The full name of Los Angeles is: l Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula– And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City
The term ‘The Big Apple’ was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s who used the slang expression ‘apple’ for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City Is to play the big time – The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

Ohio
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, everyone is man-made.

Pitcairn Island
The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. Km.

Rome
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy (in 133 B.C.) There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia
Siberia contains more than 25% of the world’s forests.

S.M.O.M.
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, and has an area of two tennis courts. And, as of 2001, has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, that did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically, though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years

Spain
Spain literally means ‘the land of rabbits’.

St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig’s Eye after a man named Pierre ‘Pig’s Eye’ Parrant who set up the first business there.

Russia
The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia. It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles.) It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen – so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.

Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the world’s highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters.) They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

I have always said, you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow. But, give it a shot anyway

A politician visited a country town and asked the country folk what their needs were.

“We have two basic needs honorable Sir”, replied the mayor.

“Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor”.

On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone

After speaking for a while he told them that there’d be a doctor there tomorrow and asked for the second problem.

“…secondly Sir, there is no mobile phone coverage anywhere in the town”.

An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”

The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there s no other matter. There is a queue biehind you.”

She then returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent.

But then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”

The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”

The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”

The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady *respectfully*

The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account..

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?”

“No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am.”

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until seven.”….

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. 

So, I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

As I expected, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting horns and waving like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What’s going on here?”

“My car has a flat tire”, I said calmly.

“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So, I told him………“Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

I go to court in MARCH.
(Damn Police. No sense of humor.)

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