It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service, and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So, the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.

“Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes”, the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely”, the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?”, the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.” 

LSD helps you lose weight.  Makes sense.  It’s kind of hard to get to the fridge when a dragon’s guarding it!

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens who are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace.

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they win the game.  That’s not allowed in bowling. I know that now.

I saw a guy earlier today with no chin, and seriously all I could think about was:  How does he put on pillowcases?

Guy: [on the phone] Is this the helpline for alcoholics?
Agent: Yes, it is.
Guy: How do I make a margarita?

I’m in Home Depot and some kid called me an old fart…
So if you’re missing your kid, he’s in the red LG dryer – aisle 17.

They Walk Among Us!

I was at the checkout at Walmart, minding my own business, when the cashier rang up my total: $46.64. I handed her a crisp $50 bill. She looked me dead in the eye, gave me back $46.64, and continued scanning items like a professional.

Me: “Uh… I think there’s a mistake.”

Her: huffing dramatically “Sir, I am educated. I know what I’m doing.”

She pushed the money back at me like I was trying to scam her.

So, I did what any reasonable person would do—I gave it back.

She, once again, pushed it right back at me with extra attitude.

I shrugged, picked up my bags, and walked out with $46.64 in my pocket.

They Walk Among Us…

I walked into Starbucks with a “Buy-One-Get-One-Free” coupon for a Grande Latte. The barista studied it like it was the Declaration of Independence, then turned to a chalkboard that read “Buy One, Get One Free.”

Her eyes lit up. “Oh! So that means… they’re both free!”

She happily handed me two free lattes.

I didn’t argue. I just walked out, sipping my victory.

They Walk Among Us…

One day, I was strolling along the beach with some friends when one of them gasped dramatically, pointed ahead, and yelled:

“Look! A dead bird!”

Another friend immediately looked up at the sky and asked, “Where?”

I just… I had no words.

They Walk Among Us…

My brother was house hunting and asked the real estate agent which direction was north. He explained that he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.

The agent furrowed her brow. “Wait… does the sun rise in the north?”

My brother, thinking she was joking, laughed.

She was not joking.

He gently explained that the sun rises in the east… and, you know, has been doing that for quite a while now.

She shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff.”

I… I had to walk away.

They Walk Among Us…

Back when I worked in a 24/7 call center, a guy called and asked:

“What hours are you open?”

Me: “Sir, we’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

Him: “Okay, but is that Eastern or Pacific time?”

I stared at my screen for a solid 10 seconds before replying:

“Uh… Pacific.”

He thanked me and hung up, probably feeling proud of himself.

They Walk Among Us…

My sister has one of those emergency seatbelt cutters in her car—designed to save her life if she ever gets trapped.

She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us…

My friends and I went to buy beer for a party. The store had a 10% discount on cases. Since we were professionals, we grabbed two cases.

The cashier did some quick mental math.

“Oh, two cases? That’s 10% + 10%… so you get 20% off!”

We all nodded and quietly accepted our new financial advisor.

They Walk Among Us…

At the airport, I couldn’t find my luggage, so I went to the lost baggage counter.

Me: “My bags never showed up.”

The lady smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry, sir! I’m a trained professional. Now… has your plane landed yet?”

I blinked.

Me: “Nope, we’re still circling the airport. The pilot told us we’re third in line to land.”

Her: “Oh! Okay, well, come back after you land.”

…Sure thing, genius.

They Walk Among Us…

While working at a pizza place, I watched a man order a small pizza to-go.

Cook: “Would you like that cut into four or six slices?”

The man thought long and hard before replying:

“Better make it four. I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat six.”

Bless their hearts.

They Walk Among Us…

I was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Lowe’s and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

 

While she was waiting for the manager, Charlie, to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. 

 

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, “How much is that faucet?” 

 

Charlie replied, “That’s a gold-plated faucet and the price is $500.00.”

 

Mary exclaimed, “My goodness, that’s an expensive faucet – certainly out of my price range.”

 

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy. Charlie said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49.

 

He then went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom he yelled, “Ma’am, you wanna’ screw for the hinge?”

 

Mary shouted back, “No, but I will for the faucet.”

 

This is why you can’t send a woman to Lowe’s.

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally retirees’ behavior that was going on.. 

So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees are misbehaving and only 5% are not. 

God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’ 

So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time. 

When the angel returned,  she went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true. The earth is in decline;  95% of retirees are misbehaving, but 5% are being good…’

God was not pleased….!

So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going. 

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.