Bonus Day Brightener – Admit It, These Puns Are Funny!

The Roman emperor’s wife hates playing hide and seek because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.

I like what mechanics wear, overall.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.

I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, “Don’t be Sicily.”

I don’t know what you call a small spillage from a pen but I have an inkling.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.

I hate funerals — I’m not a mourning person.

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite remarkable.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

The other day she tried to make a chemistry joke, but got no reaction.

It’s funny — England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but has a Liverpool.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Day Brightener – 15 Poignant Lines From The Great Gatsby

I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.

Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead.

Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.

Can’t repeat the past? … Why of course you can!

Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.

Whenever you feel like criticizing any one … just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.

Personality is an unbroken series of successful gestures.

Laughter is easier minute by minute, spilled with prodigality, tipped out at a cheerful word.

Reserving judgments is a matter of infinite hope.

People disappeared, reappeared, made plans to go somewhere, and then lost each other, searched for each other, found each other a few feet away.

There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.

Life is much more successfully looked at from a single window.

She wanted her life shaped now, immediately — and the decision must be made by some force — of love, of money, of unquestionable practicality — that was close at hand.

No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart.

As I walked on I was lonely no longer. I was a guide, a pathfinder, an original settler.

Day Brightener- A Somewhat Comical And Satirical Look At Life In Minnesota

Just in case ya didn’t know…

Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin ‘s winters.

Minnesota gets it’s name from the Sioux Indian word “mah-nee-soo-tah,” meaning, “No, really… They eat fish soaked in lye.”

The state song of Minnesota is “Someday the Vikings will… Aw, never mind.”

The Mall of America in Bloomington , Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as “the lutefisk capital of the world.” Avoid this city at all costs.

“The Mary Tyler Moore Show” was set in Minneapolis , Minnesota , and was Mary’s first real acting job since leaving the “Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman’s struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled “Life Without Dick,” but that was changed for some reason.

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis , Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin , Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii–Spam sushi!!

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase “Blizzards on the 4th of July – you get used to it.”

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota . His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat -chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.

Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the “Little House” series of books, as well as inventing the “Spam diet” which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the “lutefisk diet”

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau , Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in ’84.

Now… it’s up to you to forward this to all your friends If one of them does not forward it to others, he/she will be given an entrance pin to attend the Eelpout Festival in Walker, MN….in February —

Cold is a relative thing ya know….

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.

At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.

At 50, Italian & English cars won’t start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..

At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.

At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.

At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can’t start the snowmobile.

At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying…”Cold enough for ya, eh?”

At 50 below, heck freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late

 

Day Brightener – 13 Hilariously Relatable Quotes From ‘Garfield’

Garfield has been a fixture of newspaper comic strips since 1978, so it’s probably safe to say the titular lazy, lasagna-loving cat has lived many more than nine lives.

Television not only gives the eyeballs something to do, but it’s a socially acceptable excuse to snack.

You know you’re getting older when your favorite late-night show is the six o’clock news.

Just what is a Monday? Monday is a day designed to add depression to an otherwise happy week.

Life is a lot like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it. But the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

All I ever do is eat and sleep, eat and sleep, eat and sleep. There must be more to a cat’s life than that. But, I hope not.

If I ignore the world, maybe it will go away … Except for the lasagna.

Never confuse being lazy for being apathetic. We lazy people are not apathetic. Apathetic people don’t care about anything. Lazy people care, we just don’t do anything about it.

I’d like mornings better if they started later.

The only thing active about me is my imagination.

I wish there were something I could do about the aging process. I’d do sit-ups, but I couldn’t stand the noise.

A goldfish is an aquatic expression of beauty and grace that provides its observers with many hours of blissful meditation. It also makes a darn fine breakfast.

When the lasagna content in my blood gets low, I get mean.

I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.

Day Brightener -Aphorisms

Aphorisms are among the oldest — and shortest — literary art forms. They tend to be concise statements or phrases that offer advice or insight in easy-to-remember nuggets that can be applied to a variety of situations.

Life is made up of marble and mud. 
Nathaniel Hawthorne

It is not length of life, but depth of life. 
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. 
James Baldwin

Nothing in life is to be feared; it is only to be understood. 
Marie Curie

He that would live in peace and at ease, must not speak all he knows or judge all he sees. 
Benjamin Franklin

Life is short, art long, occasion brief, experience fallacious, judgment difficult. 
Hippocrates

Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are. 
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

We are always the same age inside. 
Gertrude Stein

The act of dying is one of the acts of life. 
Marcus Aurelius

History, like beauty, depends largely on the beholder. 
Desmond Tutu

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 
widely attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. 
Oscar Wilde

There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in. 
Leonard Cohen

Brevity is the soul of wit. 
William Shakespeare

Travel is fatal to prejudice. 
Mark Twain