Things that’d make us laugh if we still had Rodney Dangerfield to cheer us up!!  “I get no respect, y’ know?”

My wife wants me to wear a bracelet that belonged to her grandfather. It says, “Do Not Resuscitate.”

It’s been months since I bought the book, “How to Scam People Online.”  It still hasn’t arrived yet.

If you have a red wine stain on your carpet, get some white wine and drink it until you don’t care anymore.

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

If your palm itches, you are going to get something.  If your crotch itches, you’ve already got it.

My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We’ve been awake since Tuesday.

My wife said, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for dessert!  Doesn’t it embarrass you?”  I said, “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”  

I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

At a wedding reception, someone yelled: “All married people, please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living.”  The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I met my wife at a single’s night.  I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.

I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation.”  We’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Southern cops have a way with words!  These are great!  These are actual comments made by South Carolina troopers that were taken off their car videos.

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new.  They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.” 

5. “Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?   Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.” (LOVE IT)

6. “You don’t know how fast you were going?  I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

8. “Warning!  You want a warning?  O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

10. “Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.

11. “Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.” 

12. “In God we trust;  all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )

13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?” 

14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore.  We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can”

15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.  So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS…. 

16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets?  You’re right, we don’t.  Sign here.”

1. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”

2. “It’s deja vu all over again.”

3. “I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.”

4. “Never answer an anonymous letter.”

5. “We made too many wrong mistakes.”

6. “You can observe a lot by watching.”

7. “The future ain’t what it used to be.”

8. “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.”

9. “It gets late early out here.”

10. “If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.”

11. “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”

12. “Pair up in threes.”

13. “Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.”

14. “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”

15. “All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”

16. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”

17. “Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.”

18. “He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”

19. “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”

20. “I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won 25 games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.

21. “I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.”

22. “I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.”

23. “I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”

24. “In baseball, you don’t know nothing.”

25. “I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”

26. “I never said most of the things I said.”

27. “It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.”

28. “I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”

29. “I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field.”

30. “So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.”

31. “Take it with a grin of salt.”

32. (On the 1973 Mets) “We were overwhelming underdogs.”

33. “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”

34. “You should always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”

35. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

(Sources: Los Angeles Times, Baseball Almanac, Baseball Digest, Catcher in the Wry (Bob Uecker), Sports Illustrated)

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