1. *WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP???* AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:* Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.  After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up.’

3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B???* An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. *THE GETAWAY!!!* A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.  Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. *DID I SAY THAT???* Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot’, the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING???*  A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart’.  ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked. ‘No!’ the man shouted, ‘This is her husband!’

7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!!* In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. *THE GRAND FINALE!!!* Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22-foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver; no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.  Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

*Now remember, these are all true and these people vote and have children!

An old golfer was standing in front of the first tee box, ready to take his shot. The hole was a tough one, surrounded almost completely by water. And the golfer was wondering if he should use an old golf ball, or a new one.

He decided the hole was just too precarious, so he reached in his bag and pulled out an old ball he could afford to lose. After placing it gently on the tee, he heard a voice above him say loudly, “Use the new ball!”

Frightened, he replaced the old ball with the new one and approached the tee. And again he heard the voice from above shouting, “Take a practice swing!”

The golfer obeyed the voice, stepped backward, and took a big practice swing. Feeling more confident, he approached the tee one more time when the voice again rang out, “Never mind, use the old ball!”

The Washington Post has also published the winning  submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings  for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The  person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj.  Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat  stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while  drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a  nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a  steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding  hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by  proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with  Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that,  after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck  there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer  shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it   by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definitio

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.    

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a Hillbilly.    

5. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.     

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.     

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.     

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.    

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.    

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.  (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.     

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.    

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.     

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.    

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.   

16. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the  flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost….it’s a man thing.

When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to others who would enjoy a good story.

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, for months met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really worried.  Since they only got together at the park feeding pigeons, Sam didn’t even know Bill’s last name, where he lived, or how to get hold of him.

After a month had passed, Sam mournfully assumed Bill had died or moved away.  But one day, when Sam arrived — lo and behold! — there sat Bill, joyfully feeding the pigeons.  Sam, delighted to see his old friend, excitedly blurted out, “For crying out loud Bill, what happened, where have you been?”

Bill replied, “I’ve been in jail.”

“Jail?” cried Sam. ‘Why??”

“Well,” Bill said, “you remember Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Sam, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty!”

“And you know what — that bastard judge gave me 30 days in jail for perjury!”