I don’t normally post videos but this one is too good to not share.

I have questions…

• Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

• What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
• Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

• Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
• Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?
• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
• Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
• Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
• Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
• Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
• How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
• Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
• Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:

• The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you!

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like………..night!!!!

A Texas state trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was … a magician and juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car.  A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, ‘cause there ain’t no way in Hell I can pass that test.”

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar.  One says, “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”

“Aww, Shit,” says his friend, “and I just joined the Knights of Columbus !”

The best story of year doesn’t give the proper praise and credit for this painful, but understandable story as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Barbie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “Hi, I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife; the word is sternum.”

Great mental exercise for us aging folks.

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1.  Monica Lewinski

2.  Bill Clinton

3.  Hilary Clinton

4.  Adolph Hitler

5.  Jorge Bergoglio

6.  Joseph Stalin

7.  Vladimir Putin

8.  Linda Lovelace

9.  Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods 

You had trouble with #5? You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope?

A Little More Humor

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, ‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’ I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, ‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ‘ No, I’m just looking at your nuts.’ My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now,’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said ‘No’ .. I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I said, ‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’ ‘No,’ he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled ‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’ While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,  he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don’t get any! We had a Female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn’t that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don’t really mean, so think before you speak!!!

A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in Lovers’ Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, Officer?”

The trooper asks: “What are you doing?”

The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: “And, her, what is she doing?”

The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.”

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover’s Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: “What’s your age, young man?”

The young man says: “I’m 22, sir.”

The trooper asks: “And her, what’s her age?”

The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”