01. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more   poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

02. Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?

03. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

04. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

05. The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.

06. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. 

07. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

08. Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator? 

09. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake!

10. I’m responsible for what I say, not for what you understand. 

11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there’s a new strain out there. 

14. It’s not my age that bothers me – it’s the side effects.

15. I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day. 

16. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. 

17. As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy The truth is I’m just being more energy-efficient. 

18. I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag. 

19. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban. 

20. Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff. 

21. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas 

22. I’m on two simultaneous diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one. 

23. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes. 

24. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from. 

25. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling. 

26. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now. 

27. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well; night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. Toes: ten little devices God gave you for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

An elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.

Their insight may surprise you.

While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

	Don’t change horses	until they stop running.
1
2	Strike while the	bug is close.
3	It’s always darkest before	Daylight Saving Time.
4	Never underestimate the power of	termites.
5	You can lead a horse to water but	how?
6	Don’t bite the hand that	looks dirty.
7	No news is	impossible.
8	A miss is as good as a	Mr.
9	You can’t teach an old dog new	math.
10	If you lie down with dogs, you’ll	stink in the morning.
11	Love all, trust	me.
12	The pen is mightier than the	pigs.
13	An idle mind is	the best way to relax.
14	Where there’s smoke there’s	pollution.
15	Happy the bride who	gets all the presents.
16	A penny saved is	not much.
17	Two’s company, three’s	the Musketeers.
18	Don’t put off till tomorrow what	you put on to go to bed.
19	Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and	you have to blow your nose.
20	There are none so blind as	Stevie Wonder.
21	Children should be seen and not	spanked or grounded.
22	If at first you don’t succeed	get new batteries.
23	You get out of something only what you	see in the picture on the box.
24	When the blind lead the blind	get out of the way.
25	A bird in the hand	is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26	Better late than	pregnant

We don’t learn much when things go right. It’s when things go wrong that we learn the most.
Simon Sinek

A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.
Charles Dickens

Man is a slow, sloppy, and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate, and stupid.
William Kelly

We sometimes learn a lot from our failures if we have put into the effort the best thought and work we are capable of.
Thomas Edison

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
Maya Angelou

Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it so that the other half may reach you.
Kahlil Gibran

Very often in close relationships, the subject being discussed is not the subject at all.
Sharon Salzberg

Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.
Zig Ziglar

There’s no great loss without some small gain.
Laura Ingalls Wilder

Speak clearly, if you speak at all; carve every word before you let it fall.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
Andy Rooney

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Mahatma Gandhi

The less devices you have to charge, the more charge you have for your mind.
Abhijit Naskar

When we are no longer able to change a situation … we are challenged to change ourselves.
Viktor Emil Frankl

 

• How many bakers does it take to make a pie? 3.14. 
• What did the mashed potatoes say to the sweet potatoes? I yam what I yam! 
• What do you call a baker who only makes pies? The Pie-oneer Woman.
• What did one pumpkin pie say to the other? “You wanna piece of me?” 
• What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace? “Grace.” 
• What do sweet potatoes wear to bed? Yammies.
• What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham? It’s nice to meat you.
• Why don’t side dishes tell jokes? They’re too corny.
• What do you call a sad cranberry? A blueberry.
• What do you need to make Thanksgiving s’mores? Pil-grahams.
• Do you know where you can get turkey stock in bulk? The stock market. 
• What did the president say when presented with a poorly cooked turkey? “Is it too late for a pardon?”
• What does grandma say when you burn the holiday meal? Oh, good gravy! 
• Why did the cranberries turn red? Because they saw the turkey dressing.
• What side dish do you bring for Thanksgiving dinner when you accidentally sat on the sweet potatoes? Squash casserole. 
• What is a turkey’s favorite dessert? Peach gobbler! 
• What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner? The casse-role.
• How did the salt and pepper welcome all the guests? By saying, “Seasoning’s greetings!” 
• Why did the police officer stop you on your way home from Thanksgiving? Because you far exceeded the feed limit.