A plane has five passengers on board: Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Hillary Clinton, and a ten-year-old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there are only four parachutes.

Dr. Fauci, said “I need one. I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He straps on a parachute and jumps.

The pope said, “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.

Hillary said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest woman in the United States.” she takes one and jumps.

President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10-year-old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, “You can have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, yours is only starting”. The child replies, “Don’t worry. There are two parachutes left. The smartest woman in the United States took my school backpack.”

Whether or not you like to drink wine, this will give you some good laughs.

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man.

The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.

The wife shouts, “Don’t do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

HE paid for your Packer season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your golf trip to St. Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, “What would you do?”

The cabby says, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches cold!!!

Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately, my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, …… just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Today’s post is defiantly a departure from my normal posts – two reasons; one it is not humor and two the centerpiece is a video. I truly want to thank Keith for bringing this to my attention yesterday and feel it is most fitting for today.

Most will probably recognize the song, Amazing Grace, even though it is sung in Catalan. Catalan is a Romance language like Spanish but is not a subset of Spanish itself. In fact, Catalan as a language is closer to French and Italian than Spanish or Portuguese. In Catalonia, this difference is most notably felt outside Barcelona as Catalan is the main language spoken on a daily basis. The artist is Spanish singer Mónica Naranjo and the setting is the Sacred Family Basilica, in Barcelona Spain. Enjoy and Happy Easter!

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit. A tourist visiting the area drives through town stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk, saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her “services” on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything…   However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works.

Day 1 – I Can Do This!!  Got enough food and wine to last a month!

Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine.  I fear wine supplies might not last

Day 3 – Strawberries:  Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds.  Who Knew??

Day 4 – 8:00pm.  Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.

Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer.  It came out as Jello Shots!!

Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out.  I’m So Excited, I can’t decide what to wear.

Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!

Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal.  I have no clue how this place is still in business.

Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room.  Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today.  Seems nice.  He’s a Web Designer.

Day 11 – Isolation is hard.  I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”

Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides.  I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm.  Cardinals led the Blue Jays 3–1.

Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?

Stay safe

Received the one above from my wife’s sister who is a nurse.

Thanks to Jerry for the one above.

Above from Tom.

Tim commented above on his training.

Jerry contributed the one above – second for him is this collage.

Tom’s comment shows how this current situation can screw up our favorite activities.

SIPPING VODKA

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor’s advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)  Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10…
4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)  We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’
11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body..”   He did not say, “Eat me.”
12)  The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the Cherry’.
13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.