On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Phyllis Diller

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. – Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. – Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. – Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. – Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off. – Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. – Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. – Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. – Phyllis Diller

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. – Phyllis Diller

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? – Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. – Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. – Phyllis Diller

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me. – Phyllis Diller

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. – Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. – Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. – Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. – Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. – Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass. – Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. – Phyllis Diller

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. – Phyllis Diller

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday 





Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? 
Answer: Three hours after (s)he falls asleep in the recliner. 




Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? 
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. 





Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Very true




Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Sometime 15%





Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes. 




Question: Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. 





Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer: NUTS! So true




Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.





Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer: Normal. 




Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. 




Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. 





Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite…. 


QUESTION: What do you do all week? 
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING….. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Very hard to pick a favorite, they are all great.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

Cop: “Please step out of the car.” Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid the doesn’t fit any of your containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

It’s the start of a brand-new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck; a bald guy who just won a comb.

Now finally an email just to make you smile!

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer
 approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually
 played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re
 about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”
 The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting
 his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and
 liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
 you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
 The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
 donation, and if you want to bring your mother and father along, 
I’ll marry them.”

A single man had just finished a nice meal at a first class restaurant. The waitress brought him his check. The diner left the amount of the check plus a 3 penny tip. The waitress looked at the miserly tip and commented “I can tell you three things about you from the tip.” The man asked what that might be?” The waitress responded; “One, your are a bachelor.” “Right” replied the man. “Second the waitress said you are quite well to do”. “Right again” the man replied. “And third your father was a bachelor also”.