Irish Wedding 

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled… 
”Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” 
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX 

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore… 
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong 

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my damn bike.

Drive By 

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!!

SCAM 

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought the Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”. 
Turns out it’s about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute 

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “Do you know who the father is?” She said, “For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by asks what they were doing.” Ve’re supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, ” said Sven, “but ve don’t haff a ladder.” The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away. Ole shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!”

Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.  The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”  The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”  The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever.  I had five.”  The third old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”  The last old man said, “I beat my old record.  I had 12 riders today.”

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said,  “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?” The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘so, what was wrong?

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

Georgie grinned, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

‘No,’ I replied.

‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down:

ID10T

PS: I used to like Georgie, the little shit head.

If you’re not a Senior yet, then send this to someone who is.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So, she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”

“I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fucking wall.”

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.   He doesn???t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.  He tells the operator, “I think Sal is dead!  What should I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy and follow my instructions.  First, let’s make sure he’s dead.???

There is a silence.  And then a gunshot is heard.

Vinny’s voice comes back on the line,

“Okay… Now what? “

The following is an actual question given on a University chemistry mid-term. 

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.  This gives two possibilities: 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Back in 2005, the local Chevron gas station in Seattle’s Wallingford neighborhood converted their auto repair shop into a convenience store.  Their outdoor sign—once used for service promotions and store specials—became redundant with the inside of the store already plastered with signage.   So the owners decided to have fun with the outdoor sign instead, and the @WallingfordSign was born  This weekly sign message has become so popular, it has become a more effective marketing tool for the gas station than anything prior.

Wyoming rancher’s summary of the Mueller report and Democrats’ hapless ongoing efforts in one sentence:

“While we recognize that the subject did not actually steal any horses, he is obviously guilty of trying to resist being hanged for it.”