For years you probably have wondered who first uttered the phrase 
“You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me”

Well, it just so happens to have originated with the Father of Our Country, just after George Washington had crossed the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 23 men in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously, and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for more than 20 minutes trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’

The Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad

smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?’

Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are 23 of us, without Peters.’

And the Madam says, ‘You gotta be shittin’ me.’

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and   plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local   strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Bob.   ‘He’s in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if   he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she   know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

‘Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch   this time.’

The closed casket funeral is scheduled for 2 pm

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment. The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

The older lady said that she was right — our generation didn’t have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain: Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So, they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time, we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar, or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the”green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off… Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

Number:10
Golfer:    “I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy:    “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

Number: 9
Golfer:    “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy:    “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Number: 8
Golfer:    “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy:    “Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now.”

Number: 7
Golfer:    “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy:    “Eventually.”

Number: 6
Golfer:    “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy:    “I don’t think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Number: 5
Golfer:    “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy:    “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

Number: 4
Golfer:    “How do you like my game?”
Caddy:    “It’s very good – personally, I prefer golf.”

Number: 3
Golfer:    “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy:    “The way you play, it’s a sin on any day.”

Number: 2
Golfer:    “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy:    “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

And the Number: 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer:    “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy:    “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

Bonus
An old favourite . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . .   He finally gives up and asks his long-suffering caddy,

Golfer:    “Can you see any obvious problems ?”
Caddy:    “There’s a piece of s**t on the end of your club.”
Golfer:     He picks his club up and cleans the club face.
Caddy:    ” . . . other end.”

Scary how true it is!!!

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull…But that’s not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it. Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

1. THINGY  (thing-ee)  n.

Female – Any part under a car’s hood. – Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2.  VULNERABLE  (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female – Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. – Male – Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION  (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .

Female – The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. – Male – Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-  mit-ment) n.

Female – A desire to get married and raise a family. – Male – Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT   (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female – A good movie, concert, play or book. – Male – Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE  (flach-u-lens) n.

Female – An   embarrassing by – product of indigestion. – Male – A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE   (may-king luv) n.

Female – The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. – Male – Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL  (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female – A device for changing from one TV channel to another. – Male – A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said – I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. – She said – You wear pants don’t you?

He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight? – She said – That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said – What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? – She said – Turn  sideways and look in  the mirror!

He said – Why are married women heavier than single women? – She said – Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: “I’ve got problems.  Every time I go to bed, I think there’s somebody under it.  I’m scared.  I think I’m

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink.  “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.  “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having”? he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?”  With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the damn legs off the bed.  Ain’t nobody under there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion