A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Luther, what exactly is your problem?”

Luther answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”

Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Luther to the principal’s office. While he waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Luther was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Luther: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Luther: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Luther can go to the 3rd grade.”

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”

The principal and Luther both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Luther, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Luther replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” 
Luther: “Pants.”

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

Now the principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Luther replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?”

Luther: “Shake hands.”

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”

Luther: “Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

Man on phone: “Honey, I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a great opportunity for me to get a promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod and fishing box? We’re leaving from the office, and I’ll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas!”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife, she did exactly as her husband asked. The following weekend, he came home a little tired but looking good.

The wife welcomed him and asked, “Did you catch many fish?”

He said, “Yes, lots of salmon, bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?”

You’ll love the answer!

She says, “I did… They’re in your fishing box.”

A Smile Brightens Your Day

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.

Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking.

He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.

But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”.

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”

In the first, a guy said he came up behind a car stuck in deep snow at a stop sign. The lady driver was out putting sand under the front tires. This was back in the sixties, when almost all cars were rear wheel drive. The guy got out and went up to her and asked if maybe she should put the sand under the back tires. She looked at him like he was stupid and said, “The back tires are going around just fine. It’s the front ones that won’t move!”

The second joke was sent in by a woman who said she usually took her young son to the library and helped him pick out books, but one week she was busy, so she dropped him off and said he could pick some books while she shopped. When she picked him up, he was very quiet and didn’t mention the books, and never mentioned them all evening. She thought that was odd, as he was normally excited about getting new library books. At bedtime, she asked him if he’d like to show her the books he’d picked. He reluctantly took them out of his school bag and showed them to her. She took one look and said, “But all of these books are in French!” He said, “Wow! Really? I thought I forgot how to read!”

“Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day.”

Any idea who made this statement? – Donald Trump? – No This was Thomas Jefferson – So this disposition is not new!

Further in the same item from June 14, 1807 “I will add, that the man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them; inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer to truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods & errors. He who reads nothing will still learn the great facts, and the details are all false.”

Funny, and we thought this was something new. The same sentiment 211 years apart.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I’m so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really lovedthat hat. I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat,  had to take his hat off during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the Church; so I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

Noticing that Murphy hadn’t taken the hat, the priest asked, “What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt not Steal’, you decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in hell right?”

Murphy shook his head and said, “No Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”

United Flight Attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’
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On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of yourbelongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

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‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’ The little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella, WHOA!’

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.’

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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo …. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’

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‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

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‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses… except for that gentleman over there.’

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.’

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

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Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways..’

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight – ‘Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and, if you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.’

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax…. OH, MY GOD!’ Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’ A passenger in coach yelled, ‘That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!’

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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

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