United Flight Attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’
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On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of yourbelongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

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‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’ The little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella, WHOA!’

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.’

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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo …. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’

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‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

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‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses… except for that gentleman over there.’

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.’

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

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Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways..’

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight – ‘Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and, if you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.’

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax…. OH, MY GOD!’ Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’ A passenger in coach yelled, ‘That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!’

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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

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What is the funniest lawyer joke you’ve ever heard?

Doctor and a lawyer chatting at a party.Every so often the doctor is interrupted by people asking advice on their medical ailments. The doctor was clearly annoyed by this but he accepted it as part of his business.

Then the doctor says why don’t people come up to you and ask for legal advice?

Lawyer says because I don’t give free advice, I always send a bill. You should try that.Doctor thinks that makes sense but as a doctor I have an obligation to help people.

Next day he gets a bill from the lawyer for the advice.PS:

The funny thing is this isn’t actually a joke

An ailing millionaire was nearing the end of his life. One day he was visited by his three closest buddies: a banker, a lawyer, and a politician. As they stood before their dying friend, he handed each of them an envelope. “Boys,” he said, “I never believed that we have to leave everything behind when we die. So, I’m handing you each an envelope with $1,000,000 inside. At my funeral, I’d like you to please slip your envelope into my coffin as you pass by and help me to live comfortably in the hereafter.”

Each man took his respective envelope and promised their old friend that they would follow through with his request. On the day of the funeral, the banker passed the open casket and discreetly placed his envelope inside. Next, the lawyer passed by and did the same. Finally, the politician followed suit.

At the end of the service, the three friends gathered outside. The banker said, “Fellas, I’ll have to admit, I didn’t put the whole $1,000,000 in the coffin. I kept $300,000 for myself.”

With a long face, the lawyer confessed, “Well, I actually kept $500,000 for myself. I need to get that off my chest.”

“Outrageous!” declared the politician, “The two of you should be ashamed of yourselves. I wrote him a check for the whole amount.”

A Rabbi a Vicar and a Priest finish a monthly inter-faith meeting at the Temple. After meeting the Rabbi suggest they take a walk. The Rabbi happens upon a brown bag, opens it and finds it is full of money. He immediately declares they share it equally. The Vicar says well we should keep some for ourselves and give the balance to our churches.

How do we decide how much for the church?

The priest says we go into temple draw a circle on the floor throw the money in the air what lands in the circle goes to God and we split what is outside the circle.

The Vicar says good idea, but we keep what’s in the circle, what’s outside goes to God.

They turn to the Rabbi deep in thought, after a moment

Rabbi declares AhhHaa, we go into shul, we throw the money in the air, God will take what he wants we keep what’s on the floor.

They agreed!

A blind rabbit and a blind snake are walking through the woods and bump into each other. “What are you?” The rabbit asked? “I don’t know,” the snake said. “I’m blind and I never found out. What are you?”

“I don’t know, I’m blind too and I never found out what I am.” the rabbit said. Then the rabbit added “Hey, I have an idea. why don’t we feel each other and tell each other what we are?”

“Great idea!” the snake said. “I’ll feel you first.”

So the snake felt the rabbit and said “Well, you’re soft and furry and have long ears. You must be a rabbit.”

Yes! That makes sense,” the rabbit said. “Thanks! Now I’ll feel you.”
So the rabbit felt the snake and said “Well, you’re cold and slimy and have no ears at all. You must be a record company executive.”

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:

• a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
• a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
• a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
• Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!  A three-second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
• I had no control over the drooling.
• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Tom Clancy
“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy.”
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Steve Martin:
“You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
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Drew Carey:
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.”
……………………………………………….

Woody Allen:
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
……………………………………………….

Rodney Dangerfield:
“If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.”
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Rodney Dangerfield:
“My wife said she’d like to have sex in the back seat of the car… andmshe wanted me to drive.”
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George Burns:
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
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George Burns:
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
……………………………………………….

Lynn Lavner:
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sex arousal, particularly in women. Among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”
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Harvey Korman:
“Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.”