Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, “How’s the singing career going?

Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad. I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”

Stevie: “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Surprised, Tiger says, “You play GOLF?!!”

Stevie: “Yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Tiger: “But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Stevie: “Well, I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

“But, how do you putt?” asks Tiger.

“Well”, says Stevie, “I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.”

Tiger: “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie: “Well, actually — I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods: incredulous – says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Stevie: “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money. And I never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?”

Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that. OK – I’m game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?”

Stevie: “You pick a night.”

Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks, “Why so many of you?” Buddy replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

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My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a m. Can you believe that! 2:30 a m? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

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The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

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My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

You simply should take time to look at these gems of great wisdom from good old Charles Schulz. These were truly wonderful times when things were based more on common sense.

A man walks out to the street and catches a cab just going by. He gets into the cab, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me – I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing man. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his widow…..

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’ For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’ The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!

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One day I was walking down the beach with Some friends when someone shouted….. “Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said…”Where?”

They walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’ My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff……’

They Walk Among Us!

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”

They Walk Among Us!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car that is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

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I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’… (I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut in to 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time Then said “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”

They Walk Among Us!

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Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt!!!

You can’t fix stupid.