A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear, and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying,

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around, but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos, and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her,

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Now feeling quite scared, and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice, and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever,

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens,

“IS THAT YOU, LORD?”

The voice answered,

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“NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK.

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THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Luther, what exactly is your problem?”

Luther answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”

Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Luther to the principal’s office. While he waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Luther was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Luther: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Luther: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Luther can go to the 3rd grade.”

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”

The principal and Luther both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Luther, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Luther replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” 
Luther: “Pants.”

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

Now the principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Luther replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?”

Luther: “Shake hands.”

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”

Luther: “Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

Man on phone: “Honey, I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a great opportunity for me to get a promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod and fishing box? We’re leaving from the office, and I’ll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh, and please pack my new blue silk pajamas!”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife, she did exactly as her husband asked. The following weekend, he came home a little tired but looking good.

The wife welcomed him and asked, “Did you catch many fish?”

He said, “Yes, lots of salmon, bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?”

You’ll love the answer!

She says, “I did… They’re in your fishing box.”

A Smile Brightens Your Day

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers.

Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking.

He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.

“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.”

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.

But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”.

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”

In the first, a guy said he came up behind a car stuck in deep snow at a stop sign. The lady driver was out putting sand under the front tires. This was back in the sixties, when almost all cars were rear wheel drive. The guy got out and went up to her and asked if maybe she should put the sand under the back tires. She looked at him like he was stupid and said, “The back tires are going around just fine. It’s the front ones that won’t move!”

The second joke was sent in by a woman who said she usually took her young son to the library and helped him pick out books, but one week she was busy, so she dropped him off and said he could pick some books while she shopped. When she picked him up, he was very quiet and didn’t mention the books, and never mentioned them all evening. She thought that was odd, as he was normally excited about getting new library books. At bedtime, she asked him if he’d like to show her the books he’d picked. He reluctantly took them out of his school bag and showed them to her. She took one look and said, “But all of these books are in French!” He said, “Wow! Really? I thought I forgot how to read!”

“Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day.”

Any idea who made this statement? – Donald Trump? – No This was Thomas Jefferson – So this disposition is not new!

Further in the same item from June 14, 1807 “I will add, that the man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them; inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer to truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods & errors. He who reads nothing will still learn the great facts, and the details are all false.”

Funny, and we thought this was something new. The same sentiment 211 years apart.

Murphy had never stepped in Church his whole life.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell in shock when he saw him.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I’m so glad you decided to come to Mass, but I gotta ask, what made you come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really lovedthat hat. I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat,  had to take his hat off during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the Church; so I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

Noticing that Murphy hadn’t taken the hat, the priest asked, “What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt not Steal’, you decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in hell right?”

Murphy shook his head and said, “No Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”