ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: A grape that got too much sun. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
And MY Personal Favorite! WRINKLES: Something other people have,
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer, and a married man was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?”
Lee responded, “Yes Ma’am, I do.”
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, “Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her.”
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
This post is one I redo periodically partly because of its relevance today and on a personal level because Jefferson is one of my favorite presidents. An interesting postscript is that both Jefferson and John Adams died on July 4, 1826.
I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered at the White House – with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone. – John F. Kennedy – Remarks at a Dinner Honoring Nobel Prize Winners of the Western Hemisphere.
HOW DID JEFFERSON KNOW??????
When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe. Thomas Jefferson
The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. Thomas Jefferson
It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world. Thomas Jefferson
I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. Thomas Jefferson
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government. Thomas Jefferson
No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. Thomas Jefferson
The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. Thomas Jefferson
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Thomas Jefferson
To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical. Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:
‘I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered..’
1. Red Skelton: “John Wayne once told me, ‘Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.’ I told him, ‘John, I get scared just looking at a saddle!
2. Red Skelton: “I asked John Wayne how he got to be so tough. He said, ‘Well, Red, I eat a lot of steak and never back down from a fight.’ I told him, ‘I eat a lot of steak too, but the only thing I fight is indigestion!'”
3. Red Skelton: “John Wayne walked into a bar, and the bartender asked, ‘What’s your poison?’ John said, ‘Whiskey.’ I walked in right after him, and the bartender asked me the same thing. I said, ‘Pepto-Bismol!'”
4. Red Skelton: “John Wayne always had that famous swagger. I asked him how he did it. He said, ‘Red, it’s simple, you just walk like you’re carrying a pair of six-shooters.’ I tried it, and now I just walk like I’m carrying a pair of groceries!”
5. Red Skelton: “I told John Wayne that I was thinking about becoming a cowboy. He looked me up and down and said, ‘Red, you’re more of a cow than a boy!'”
6. Red Skelton: “John Wayne said he could tame any wild horse. I said, ‘That’s impressive, Duke. The wildest thing I’ve tamed is my hair in the morning!’
1. You can say Hohokam and no one thinks you’re making it up.
2. You no longer associate rivers or bridges with water.
3. You know that a “swamp cooler” is not a happy hour drink.
4. You can contemplate a high temperature of 120 degrees as “not all that bad, after all it’s a dry heat.”
5. You know that you can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in your microwave.
6. You have to run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so that you can use your fireplace.
7. The water coming from the “cold” tap is hotter than that from the hot” tap.
8. You can correctly pronounce the following words: “Saguaro”, “Tempe”, “Gila Bend”, “San Xavier del Bac”, “Canyon de Chelly”, “Mogollon Rim”, “Cholla”, and “Tlaquepacque”, “Ajo”.
9. Its noon on a weekday in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one single person is moving on the streets.
10. Hot air balloons can’t fly because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.
11. You buy salsa by the gallon.
12. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and 100 paper bags.
13. You think someone driving while wearing oven mitts is clever.
14. Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name “El” or “Los.”
15. You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.
16. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
17. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
18. People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70.
19. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
20. The pool can be warmer than you are.
21. You realize Valley Fever isn’t a disco dance.
22. People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.
23. You know better than to get into a car/truck with leather seats if you’re wearing shorts.
24. Announcements for Fourth of July events always end with “in case of monsoon…”
25. You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight savings time.
THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE APPALACHIANS.
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
4. If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I’m going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there’s supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
14. You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
15. You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y’all is singular. All Y’all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is..
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Appalachian friends and those who just wish they were from the Appalachians.
AND one more:
27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reachd over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it’s butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting lcense.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it’s butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. “This duck’s from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, “Just where the hell are you from?”
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert!”
It is something we should all read at least once a week! Make sure you read to the end!
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 42 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it..
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
10. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
11. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
12. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it…
14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
15. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
16. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
17. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
21. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
22. The most important sex organ is the brain.
23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
25. Always choose life.
26. Forgive but don’t forget.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does..
31. Believe in miracles.
32. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
33. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
34. Your children get only one childhood.
35. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. (I love this one)
37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.
39. The best is yet to come…
40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
41. Yield.
42. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer, and a married man was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
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