1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS’. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced course.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the ‘I-10’ are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn’t become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been ‘accidentally activated.

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

(you realize of course this is intended as humor)

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.

· My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We’ve been awake since Tuesday.

· Someone just gave me half a peace sign. Weird.

· Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. Kids these days will never know that fear.

· My wife said: “That’s the 4th time you’ve gone back for dessert! Doesn’t it embarrass you?” I said: “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”

· She said she missed me. Normally that would be good but she’s reloading.

· When I was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape.

· My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

· Being old is when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go too.

· I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

· At a wedding reception, someone yelled: “All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.

· I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.

· I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.

· Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation.” We’re spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

· As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

A blonde wanted to try out ice fishing. She went out and purchased all the gear she would need and headed to a local spot to try to catch some fish.

She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her.

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE”

Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”.

She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, “IS THAT YOU, LORD?”

The voice answered, “NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man’s milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man’s plate before joining the others at the counter.

Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, “Not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied,” Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!”

I don’t think most people realize just how pivotal Ancient Iran was in shaping the course of human civilization. When people talk about the cradle of civilization, they often overlook the staggering contributions of the ancient Aryans. It’s not just that they gave us the concept of a structured, ethical society—they laid down the very foundations of the modern world as we know it.

Take a moment to consider the Achaemenid Empire, the first true empire in history. Spanning three continents, it introduced the world to an unprecedented level of administrative sophistication as the first international (tricontintinental) empire.

The Persian Empire under Cyrus the Great wasn’t just vast; it was remarkably progressive. Cyrus was a pioneer of human rights, a concept so ahead of its time it puts many later empires to shame. The Cyrus Cylinder is often referred to as the first charter of human rights, emphasizing tolerance and respect for different cultures and religions.

In fact, the influence of the Achaemenid Empire extended far beyond its own time. The founding fathers of the United States modeled aspects of their new nation on the Achaemenid Empire. They admired its emphasis on justice, governance, and human rights. Thomas Jefferson, in particular, was inspired by the principles of governance that Cyrus the Great implemented, seeing in them a reflection of the values he hoped to embed in American democracy.

And let’s not forget the intellectual contributions. The ancient Iranians weren’t just warriors; they were thinkers, scientists, and philosophers. The Avestan texts, containing the earliest religious and philosophical thoughts, profoundly influenced later religious traditions, including Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. The Zoroastrian concept of dualism—the eternal battle between good and evil—shaped the moral framework of many future civilizations.

Moreover, ancient Iranian religious practices didn’t just influence the East; they were pivotal in shaping Western thought. Mithraism, a mystery religion centered around the god Mithra, spread throughout the Roman Empire and deeply influenced Roman soldiers and statesmen. Its rituals, symbolism, and moral code prefigured many aspects of Christianity. The veneration of Mithra, the emphasis on truth, loyalty, and the battle against evil—these were ideas that found fertile ground in the West and left an indelible mark on Western religious practices.

Architectural and artistic achievements? Ancient Iran was a beacon. The grandeur of Persepolis, with its towering columns and intricate reliefs, stands as a testament to the sophisticated artistry and engineering prowess of the time and there’s evidence the ancient Greeks modeled these collumns. The Qanat system, an ancient Iranian innovation, revolutionized agriculture and water management, with principles still in use today.

In science and medicine, figures like Avicenna (Ibn Sina), though from a later period, were deeply influenced by the knowledge and traditions passed down from ancient Iranian scholars. Avicenna’s works remained authoritative in the fields of medicine and philosophy for centuries.

But there’s so much more. Ancient Iran was a pioneer in postal systems, with the Achaemenid Empire creating one of the earliest and most efficient postal services known to man. This system allowed messages to be relayed rapidly across vast distances, an innovation critical for maintaining the cohesion of their vast empire.

The Persians were also instrumental in developing early forms of algebra and trigonometry. The mathematician Al-Khwarizmi, whose works later influenced the Islamic Golden Age, built upon the foundations laid by his ancient predecessors.

Furthermore, Ancient Iran’s influence extended into the realm of astronomy. The ancient Iranians developed a sophisticated understanding of the stars and planets, leading to the creation of the Zoroastrian calendar, one of the most accurate calendars of its time.

Even in metallurgy, ancient Iranians were ahead of their time, producing some of the earliest known steel through innovative techniques that were later refined in medieval Persia and beyond.

And then there’s the unique position of women in ancient Iranian society. At a time when most civilizations relegated women to the shadows, Iran stood out with its progressive stance on gender roles. Women in ancient Iran could own property, manage their own businesses, and even participate in the political arena. Compared to the severely restricted lives of women in contemporary civilizations, Iranian women enjoyed a degree of respect and autonomy that was nothing short of revolutionary. They were not only seen as vital members of society but also as key contributors to the cultural and economic life of the empire.

So next time someone mentions the great civilizations of the past, remind them that Ancient Iran was not just a participant but a leader, a visionary force that has left an indelible mark on the tapestry of human history. Ignoring this legacy isn’t just a disservice to Iran; it’s a grave misunderstanding of our collective heritage. Ancient Iran wasn’t just another civilization—it was the cornerstone of greatness

This is where it all began. The Fertile Crescent. The cradle of civilization.

For the first 190,000 years or so of human existence, we roved about in small hunter-gatherer bands, eking out a subsistence living day to day, constantly in fear of predators and of other humans. But about 10,000 years ago, in the Mesopotamian area between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers in what is now Iraq, some people decided to stay put. It is impossible to overstate the importance of that decision.

In the Fertile Crescent an agriculturally-based society arose. Rather than wandering around searching for food in a constant state of conflict, humans began to plant seeds and grow their own crops. To store it they began building structures. To protect it they banded together in cooperation and mutual defense. Whereas before human societies were typically limited to a few dozen people, now villages arose—then towns, then cities. And humanity flourished.

Here, in these early settlements in the Fertile Crescent, humans first developed written language (probably to keep track of accounts). They domesticated animals. They invented the wheel, the plow, and multi-story architecture. Monotheistic religion arose. By about 2500 B.C. the first libraries were created. The things that we think of as characterizing “civilization” began here.

A few thousand years ago people from the Fertile Crescent fanned out into Europe and Asia, taking with them the knowledge accumulated there. And seeds and farm animals. The rest is history.

Of course, it wasn’t all pretty. We were still humans after all. Although social cooperation emerged on a scale that would have been previously unimaginable, violence and what we would now regard as superstition and injustice remained. But in the Fertile Crescent humans had taken an immensely important first step toward the flowering of the incredible civilization we enjoy today.

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle’

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? ‘Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.  ‘My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.

‘It sure is,’ I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs… One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”And why not, darling?”You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.

‘What have you got there, dear?’

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

NOW IF THIS DIDN’T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

A Sign In A Shoe Repair Store:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

Sign Over A Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, You’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In A Veterinarian’s Waiting Room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”.

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”.

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”.

At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank Heaven for little grills.”.

In a Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”.

And the best one for last….

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”