A Real Bonus Day Brightener – Sometimes A Picture Is Worth More Than A Thousand Words!
“Bring up a child in the way he should grow and when he is older he will not depart from it!” How it is done at Rodeos
Day Brightener – Gandhi’s Wit
(This is more of an “Urban Legend ” but still pretty good read.) “He who stops to ponder and think will generally come out ahead.”
When Gandhi was studying law at University College, London, a Caucasian professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and constantly displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always arguments and confrontations.
*****
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr. Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.
*****
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.
*****
Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.
*****
Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question, “Mr. Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package inside of which was a bag of wisdom and another package inside of which was a bag of money, which one would you take?” Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.” Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, “I, in your place, would have taken wisdom.” Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”
*****
Mr. Peters, by this time, was beside himself. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me a grade.”
*****
Wit always wins over sarcasm.
When Gandhi was studying law at University College, London, a Caucasian professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and constantly displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, there were always arguments and confrontations.*****
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr. Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.
*****
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.
*****
Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.
*****
Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question, “Mr. Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package inside of which was a bag of wisdom and another package inside of which was a bag of money, which one would you take?” Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.” Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically, said, “I, in your place, would have taken wisdom.” Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.”
*****
Mr. Peters, by this time, was beside himself. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me a grade.”
*****
Wit always wins over sarcasm.
Day Brightener – Get Out Of The Car!
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car – NOW !”
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key in the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable!
Day Brightener – The Australian Virgin
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually, they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “But if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”
Day Brightener – For Us Old People – Are We The Ones With Dementia? Are We The Ones Who Are Aging? Really??? No!!
ONE
Recently, I went to McDonald’s and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true…) (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn’t have any, only Splenda and sugar.) (And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. (Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
Hmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
A Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’
Dispatcher: ‘Rush him to emergency right now!’
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh….it is all true. Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run–anywhere.
- People call at 8 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- You can eat supper at 5 PM.
- You can live without sex but not your glasses.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
- You can’t remember who sent you this list.
- And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now! And remember, Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
Friday Frivolity – Wit And Wisdom From Phyllis Diller
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. -Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. – Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. – Phyllis Diller
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. – Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. – Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. – Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. – Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off. – Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. – Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. – Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. – Phyllis Diller
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. – Phyllis Diller
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. – Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron. – Phyllis Diller
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? – Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. – Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. – Phyllis Diller
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me. – Phyllis Diller
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. – Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. – Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. – Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. – Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. – Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass. – Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. – Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. – Phyllis Diller
Day Brightener – This Is Why People Don’t Trust Senior Citizens
I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.
I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked,
“Now, does that taste sweet to you?”
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!”
I said, “Oh, thank God! That’s a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!”
I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don’t care, because they aren’t very friendly there anymore!
Day Brightener – An Example of an Outdoorsy Man Especially For Us Golfers
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
The golfer described a typical day this way:
- “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
- Drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
- Jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake,
- Marched up and down several rocky hills,
- Stood in a patch of poison ivy,
- Crawled out of quicksand
- And took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
”NAH,” he replied, “I’m just a shitty golfer.”
Day Brightener – From Stress To Relief Back To Stress!
You pick up a hitchhiker… A beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that’s stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you’re going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!
You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you’re infertile and probably have been since birth. You’re extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.
Loren Berg's Blog 