Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answered Juan. The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. “Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

Why 4 FEET 8.5 Inches is Very Important  Fascinating Stuff . . .

Railroad Tracks
The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match
for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder,
‘What horse’s ass came up with this?’ you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story: When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad,
you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.

And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important!

Now you know, Horses’ Asses control almost everything. Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn’t it?

It has been a while since I have penned any book reviews but this past week I stumbled on a new – at least to me – author and think fans of the type of books I reviewed previously will love. The author is Barry Lancet and he has written three novels featuring Jim Brodie – an art dealer that ends up as one-half owner of a Toyko private investigator firm. Brodie, whose American father was an MP in Japan who after leaving the military opened a PI firm in San Francisco that did not do well so he returned to Toyko and opened operations there. Young Brodie spent seventeen years growing up, attending public school and absorbing the Japanese culture. Jim Brodie returned to San Francisco and got into the art business but when his father passed away he became involved in the operations of the Toyko PI firm.

The three books; Japan Town, Toyko Kill and Pacific Burn show Brodie moving between the U S and the Orient, working with law enforcement in both the U S and Japan while mixing in serious life-threatening conflicts. The character development is very good and the range of colorfully developed characters is top notch. Unlike some novels, these books hit the bricks running right from the start – no slow startups here. Like many in this genre some of the happenings do stretch the imagination but if we used that as a benchmark we would eliminate some of my favorites – think Lee Childs’ Jack Reacher.

While it is not necessary, I recommend and did, reading the books in order; Japan Town, Toyko Kill and Pacific Burn, as there is some story and character carryover. Once I read the first one could not wait to get to the other two. I think you will find these very interesting and satisfying reads.

This is one of the Alien Kidnappers who are kidnapping golfers.

Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping sexy, good looking men, who are great golfers.

You, personally, are not in any danger.

I just emailed you to say goodbye.

A middle-aged frumpy couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman had just sold the car they were interested into a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

“I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $155,000 asking price, ” said the man. “Yet I just heard you close the deal for $130,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.”

 “Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.  “There you go,” she said. “You were right that I could get this dope to reduce it.

See you later, dad.”

Never mess with the old uns!

1..Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called …’Ministers do more than Lay People’

2..Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.  

3..The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4..My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.  

5..The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

6..I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.  The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.  

7..It used to be only death and taxes.      Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

8..A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9..My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines and a large trash can.

10..Definition of a teenager?   God’s punishment…for enjoying sex.

Thought for the day:
Be who you are and say what you feel… because those that matter..don’t mind… and those that mind… don’t matter!

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses. The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, “What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!

The Texan replied, “In Texas, there’s plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn’t believe this and said “What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine!

The Californian replied, “In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap.”

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said “Why in the hell did you do that?”

The Nevadan replied, “Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel.”

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.  And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom, He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch.  And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number one killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may become a burning issue tomorrow.

In the 1960s there was a US TV game show called Hollywood Squares. Stars were asked questions by the host, and the contestants had to guess whether their answer was correct or not, but the real power of the show was the one-liners that the stars answered the question with, before giving their real answer. Remember it was the 60’s….some smart cookies here!

Some of the best responses are below.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be ?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness.
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at Nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

After getting all of Pope Francis’s luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I’d really like to drive today.’

“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘Who’s going to tell?’ asks the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is Argentinian,)(and Fangio the famous racer was Argentinian.)

“Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’, moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches; but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that. He’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ‘All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘ A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The President?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!

Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folks.