Earlier this week I posted the Mensa word play item. Below is a look at redefining words. The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.  And the winners are:

• Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
• Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
• Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
• Negligent, adj. Absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
• Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
• Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
• Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
• Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
• Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
• Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
• Circumvent, n .An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational invited readers to take any word from the  dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and  supply a new definition.

Here are the  winners: 

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,  which renders the subject financially impotent for an  indefinite  period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s  both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at  getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to  start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back  to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance  surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The  bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the  near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about  yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The  gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get  it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are  running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate  disease.  – (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really  bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a  serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of  getting through the day consuming only things that are good for  you.
13. All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they  come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The  frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a  spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a  mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and  cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you  turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. After 10 minutes he asked me why I hadn’t pulled over. I said we are still in Manchester.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig

I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn’t fall for it.

Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

They used to time me with a stopwatch… now they use a calendar.

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, “One day, this could be you.” I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he’s right.

I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn’t read too much into it.

Always identify who to blame in an emergency.

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

There’s a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd.
The doctor says, “People need me for my medical skills.” grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, “People need me for my intelligence.” grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, “I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute.”
The nerd says, “Don’t worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack.”

What’s the difference between a maze and a depressed life? one of them you can find a way out of.

My teacher gave us an assignment and one of the questions was “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I answered “Happy”. The teacher said I didn’t understand the test, I said to her that she didn’t understand life

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. 

The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.” 

“What a coincidence,” said the farmer, who added, ” It is a special day for me. I am celebrating.” 

“It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!” said the woman. 

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. 

While they toasted, the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?” 

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant.” 

“What a coincidence,” said the man. “I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs.” 

“This is incredible,” said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?” 

“I used a different rooster,” he said. 

“What a coincidence.” Smiled the woman.

A local Villager has been very busy over the past 2 years (5 years in Villages years) putting his thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf and Friends. Word is he is very proud of the results and to market the publication, he is asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here’s the Table of Contents from the new book, “Whining Golf Strategies,” which he believes gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that he’s gained through his own years of experience in the game and observations of his fellow golfing partners.  Food for thought.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 –
How to properly line up your Fourth putt.

Chapter – 2
How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 – How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker. 

Chapter 4 – How to get more distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 – When to give the Ranger the finger.

Chapter 6 – Using your shadow on the Greens to confuse your opponent.

Chapter 7 – When to implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 – Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9 – How to urinate behind a 4″ x 4″ post … Undetected.

Chapter 10 – How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 11 – How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12 – Why your spouse doesn’t care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 – How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.

Chapter 14- How to relax when you are hitting three off the Tee.

Chapter 15 – When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16 – God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.

Chapter 17 – When to regrip your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 18 – Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19 – Why male golfers will pay $5 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.

Hopefully you will find his book intriguing and purchase a copy.   Gee, I wonder who he is!  Sounds like he had partners.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed: Desperate

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So, she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”

“I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fucking wall.”

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn’t think the chiropractor could improve my posture… but I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night.  She called me a cheap-skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.  It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met.  I’m not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16.  So the difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.  I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.  He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?  Suture self.