A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir, ” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” -Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading It.” – Moses Hada

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of It.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t It.” – Groucho Marx

Mathematics: 

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly ….. mathematical viewpoint… and it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103% What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: 

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K  8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E  11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E  1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T  2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why some people are where they are!

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2015:

• Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
• Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
• 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
• FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
• Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
• Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally….

• Victoria ‘s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.’
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled Tony..
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied.  ‘You can play for free, every day.’
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to Tony.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.
That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied.  ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!’
‘No gym to work out at?’ said Tony
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.’
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, ‘You and your f*cking Bran Flakes.  We could have been here tens years ago!

A Texas state trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was … a magician and juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car.  A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, ‘cause there ain’t no way in Hell I can pass that test.”

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar.  One says, “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”

“Aww, Shit,” says his friend, “and I just joined the Knights of Columbus !”

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my first rectal exam. His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.

She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

• A Tube of K-Y jelly
• A rubber glove
• And a beer.

When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, “Look Doc”, I’m a little confused.  This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?”

At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse, “Damn it, Evelyn !………I said a BUTT LIGHT”

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice  young lady, how would you tell her you have to go to the bathroom?’

Michael said: ‘Excuse me, I need to pee.’

The teacher responded:  ‘That would be quite impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’

 Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go  to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the  word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for  once and show us your good manners?’

Johnny said: ‘I would say “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?  I have to shake hands  with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to  introduce you to after dinner.

The teacher fainted.

Reading these one has to wonder if anybody was looking!

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says  Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  What a guy! 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death  No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace  I can see where it might have that effect! 

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  Ya think?! 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  Who would have thought! 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide  They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  Weren’t they fat enough?! 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half  Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  Boy, are they tall! 

And the winner is…. 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  Did I read that right?

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his hometown. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?”

Dr. Epstein replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away.”

“Why haven’t you visited?” asked the desk clerk.

“Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”

The clerk consoled him. “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”

Dr. Epstein replied, “Son, I doubt that’s the case with my incident.”

“Was it a long time ago?”

“Yes, many years.”

The clerk asked, “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart? “