(You can’t make up this stuff)

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence I see on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money issues with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own family like this?!

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much and it’s gotten so bad, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Remember, these people stand in line with you to cast their votes…

Mergatroyd?  Do you remember that word?  Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word, Mergatroyd?  Heavens to Mergatroyd!

The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy; and he looked at her quizzically and said, “What the heck is a Jalopy?”  He had never heard of the word jalopy!  She knew she was old … But not that old.  Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.  These phrases included: Don’t touch that dial; Carbon copy; You sound like a broken record; and Hung out to dry. 

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie.  We’d put on our best bib and tucker, to straighten up and fly right.  Heavens to Betsy!   Gee whillikers!   Jumping Jehoshaphat!  Holy Moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.  Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?  Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore. 

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!”  Or, “This is a fine kettle of fish!”   We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind.  We blink, and they’re gone.  Where have all those great phrases gone? 

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it.  Hey! It’s your nickel.  Don’t forget to pull the chain.  Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks!  Going like sixty.  I’ll see you in the funny papers.  Don’t take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.  This can be disturbing stuff!  (Carter’s Little Liver Pills are gone too!)

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth.  See ya later, alligator!   Okidoki.  You’ll notice they left out ” Monkey Business“!!!

WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 50’S .. NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .  Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning to find it was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.  He promptly called the local police station…….

The conversation went like this:  ”Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

”And the best of the day te yerself.  This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann ‘s Catholic Church..There’s a jackass lying dead on me front lawn.

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ”Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment………………………….

Father O’Malley then replied: ”Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers 

“Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill 

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson   

“My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry 

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” – Edward Abbey 

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips 

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

“Too Many birthdays is a major cause of death” – Yogi Berra

And my favorite

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein