Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Struggling to get your wife’s attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

I grew up with Bob Hope, Steve Jobs, and Johnny Cash. Now there’s no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

Shout out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people.

One minute you’re young and fun. And next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

Think you’re old and you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be delusional.

There’s nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think, “They are going to find me naked.”

Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave—I say I’m having a very good day!