• “If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.”  (Eva Gabor)
• “Old age comes at a bad time.” (Ed Sullivan)
• “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” (Stevie Wonder)
• “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it.”  (Golda Meir)
• “The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. (Mark Twain)
• “I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.” (Phyllis Diller)
• “Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere.” (George Burns)\
• “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up; then, you forget to pull your zipper down.” (Rob Reiner)
•  “You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not THAT tired.” (Princess Grace)
•  “Old people shouldn’t eat Health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” (Bob Hope)
• “At my age, flowers scare me.” (George Burns)
•  “It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” (Ed Sullivan)
• The years between 55 and 75 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.”  (T.S Elliot)
• “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”  (Ann Landers)
• “When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.” (Milton Berle)
• “The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.” (Martin Scorsese)
• “We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” (Pablo Picasso)
•  “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – (Andy Rooney)
•  “The older I get, the better I used to be.” (Lee Trevino) 
• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for      their final exam.” (George Carlin)
• “Everything seems to slow down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.” (Elizabeth Taylor)
• “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.” (Norman Vincent Peale)
• “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” (Mark Twain)
• “You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” (Dennis Quaid)
• “There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” (Adam & Eve)
• “There are three stages in man’s Life: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.” (Leon Phillips)
• “Looking fifty is great — if you’re sixty.” – (Joan Rivers)

Confession 1
An Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’

The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’

The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’

The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’

The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’

‘It is!’

‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’

‘I can!’

‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’

‘I do!’

‘Is he a member of your congregation?’

‘He is!’

‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’

‘He will.’

Confession 2
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’

Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’

Man: ‘What sins?’

Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’

Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’

Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

Man: ‘I’m 92 years old .. . . . I’m telling everybody!’

A balding, white-haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelry store in the local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.’

Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘There was only $25 in your account.”

I know, said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

REMEMBER:

Not All Seniors Are Senile. 

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded.  “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “That’s okay.  It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “how much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about herself,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license.

It’s like a report card; it has everything on it.”

Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 133 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

“How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

The little girl answers, “Because you got an F in sex.”